I’ve felt for so long with the blog that I must always have an image, since this is about my creative process, but I realized today that mine is not always visual, and it is continual.
There is so much I would like to say, that I hardly know where to begin.
Listening to the new Radiohead cd on the Ipod, even with the migraine, etc. something to touch me deeply. And it is working. I found myself looking around the room, rather lost, reminding myself that what I’m looking for, peace, gratification, comes from within. Right. Solace, comfort. What I used to call something that would scritch the pain. Something I couldn’t reach myself or describe to anyone. Right there. Music usually reaches. How I forgot til just now.
Sometimes I think Radiohead is too dark, but it is so very profoundly beautiful and compelling, sometimes it is the best thing after a night of nightmares or a day of horrible memories resurfaced. Because you see, especially with the intimacy of the IPod, it touches the aching, barest, neediest parts of my soul, the most isolated, hurt places that I didn’t even know were there, hiding, waiting, voiceless. Because that is a lot of what parts of me, alters, identities if you will, the dissociated ones, the splinter groups, pieces, shards, mirror pieces, however best makes sense to you, or to me, ultimately to me, the lost boys and girls … they’ve been hiding, they are still in hiding, because it’s not like the ones that remember the abuses the best, or the Kennedy assassination in absolute graphic detail (because if you remember they played it over and over for some reason?) or the Viet Nam War, it’s not like those pieces have much to say about getting a cup of coffee or making a piece of beautiful playful art or walking the dog and saying how beautiful the clouds are today — they are displaced — they remember awful awful things for me — things I can’t forget. Things that have a place, like people I will never forget, good and bad, bad and good, mixed and mixed, smooth smoothest con men and women, smoothest oil slicks. Coldest fish. Whatever, they remember all the pieces for me, in hiding, and Radiohead has lots of irony, lots of beauty, lots of dark deep watery profundity, mystery.
So this fits in here somewhere, another piece. When I first started therapy, in college, I was a shivering shell of pieces, some assertive, some barely functioning in school, which was why I was there, cause I was failing out, some suicidal, mostly depressed, diagnosis clinically depressed, and definitely not an individuated person, very confused, second guessing and looping around and round, very indecisive.
I said I wouldn’t name names, and I won’t, so I’ll skip to now. Isn’t that a timesaver? That was in 1984. Skip to 2011. Whoa! Think of the cost alone! The time, the heartache, the … whatever. It has been a lot of soul searching and cognitive behavior management. Those loops for example, with the help of Deepak Chopra and great great counselors, and I do mean great, and great friends who have supported me, teachers, I’ve been able to turn the loops around, break loops that were unnecessary, start new healthy loops, stop looping, create a quiet, new mind. Realize emotions, clear, raw emotions. Oh, I have to stop there because it gets awfully complicated, because my emotions are kind of like separate people in some circumstances, or like volcanoes. So, I’ll stop. Anyway.
So there’s lots to talk about.
But I have to stop.
Suffice it to say, the other day I was talking about reading in Yoga Journal, the Sally Kempton, LOVE her articles, and meditating on deities — really meditating on qualities you like, god or goddess or any person qualities you like. Or the qualities that a crystal embodies, or a vision that a waterfall feels like, or seeing yourself happy and calm. Or at the beach, or whatever. Powerful stuff. Important for me because the abuses happened deeply, by con men and women who were so smooth they mixed affection with sex so it got all confused at a cellular level that I don’t have time in my life to go over every cell and reprogram every single motion they made and every thing they did in my psyche and say go to hell and come back to heaven with you Amy. I have to take a different tack. I have to just come back to heaven here and now, every moment I can stand it.
When a powerful awful set of memories was coming back in February, my counselor said maybe I should work with chakras again, and I brought back my crystal meditations. She said imagine yourself filled with white light. I said rose light even. Yes, she said, whatever works for you. Because what they did was so awful that you need something to balance it with. So you do what works for you.
So that’s what I’m doing. So my Radiohead on the IPod is talking to the Jimi Hendrix and the Viet Nam and the … everything hurting right now.
Listening to In Rainbows now. But I’ve got to let it go — Jason’s home and it’s time for a different form of social healing, and bedtime. So a good night, and sweet dreams, and thanks again for listening. It’s all part of the process.