Roatan Finiti, Hard Hungry Day

http://www.amyjackson.cc/paintings/roatan.html

She is finished! I figured out to make flesh color today — just the ittiest smidge of smidges of Burnt Sienna and 99% of Titan Buff and you’re there, for the peachiest of sands, Roatan. Boy, was that fun.

But before that, to get me to painting today, it was way rough. I woke up to this voice that was all about “I hate life. I hate You. I hate this I hate that.” Gah. I mean I was like “You’re an artist. You don’t have to work.” “But I’m in all this pain, emotionally, physically, all the time. I had all this abuse to go through growing up that I have to heal from now.” Gah, it said back. “I want to get numbed out,” it said back. “No,” I said in response. “We don’t do that anymore. We can’t because of Topamax. Because of healing. Because of so many reasons. No.”

Gah.

I am so blessed. I remind myself all the TIME. But I have my moments and my moods and my DAYS, and today was one of those days, for a while. I journalled. I meditated.

Finally, I chopped some chocolate. I got out a humongous knife and chopped off an appropriate chunk of Scharfenberger’s artisanal dark chocolate, then chopped it into bite-size pieces, because otherwise it would break either my jaw or my teeth. I scraped it off the wooden board into a white bowl and sat down in the bed and tried to leisurely savor it, but I must admit, I SCARFED it, largely. And that did it. I got some much-needed endorphins. Sad. But it worked.

I painted. I finished the painting, listening to hungry music, Chris Whitley, still listening to him, “gasoline running down her thigh”, yeah, that’s pretty hungry. Love it.

Finished, Eat, Pray, Love — got it right that time, mind you, one last time — and will be looking for more of her books in the future. All in all, I found the book very satisfying.

Started reading Ethical Wisdom, Mark Matousek’s latest book, while the muffler man was screeching out a new muffler for the Honda this morning and became oblivious to the sound, it was such a good read, right from the start. We’ve been for several months now in therapy talking about why good people do bad things, why bad people do good things, and kind of sorting through all the characters and people, players and folks in my life. It’s crazy what I have to do. I can’t even get into it here, because I’ve said I will name no names. There’s no way. It’s just crazy is all I can say. Humans are complex beasties. I love them, I understand them, they are threaded through my life in ways I can never replace, remove, forget, repair … agh.

It’s so complex. So this book comes at a very good time, and I think with some very good answers for me and my world. And very soon, Mr. Matousek will bring his answers, his threads for my novel of fragments and threads, poor dear. Or maybe he’s having a blast. Who can say? I shouldn’t be so down on the beastie which I’ve created in my first novel. Right? mmm.

Will be out of pocket for a busy three days of errands and celebrations and such sorts of things — but will do my best to be creative. Amazing pastels will be coming soon and a new industrial photo pastel will be created shortly as well, so stay tuned!

Oh, hey, check this out. This is my web stats page:

http://www.amyjackson.cc/stats/

Feel free to roam around in there — but there is a 119 location that is heavy into it — just sayin — kinda fun — love this stuff — I have a free Google stats site but it’s only indexed for my home page, not for my sub-pages so it’s less useful — anyhoo — 🙂

have fun — tomorrow is Friday!

About amyjacksoncc

I am a professional artist, writer and musician creating from my home studio. To view my artwork, visit http://www.amyjackson.cc
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