Garewa VI, The Perfection of Now

It is with much excitement that I mixed up the paint for the palm tree bark this morning, despite occasional splitting headaches and abdominables. You know what I’m saying. I’m up. I’m going with it today. Slept in a bit, so missed the indoor pool option, but planning to do yoga twice today. Did yoga once last night before bed. Yay. More on that later this post.

So no one was more surprised than me when I was painting along with the bark and couldn’t see what I wanted to see properly for the edge of the tree and just thought suddenly, I need my close-up glasses, and went and got the damned things, put them on, and continued painting, without much of second thought. Now really, that is a huge transition, and it just sort of happened. If I had thought about it and wrung my hands about it, never woulda happened. But no. I needed ’em, got ’em. Done. If all of life’s aging transitions could be so easy. Right?

I continued painting the palm tree bark and have a bit of mess to clean up once it dries, which you may not be able to see, even. Anyhoo. I mixed in a bright yellow with a previously mixed lime green and that is the base layer for the palm leaves. Undecided about adding in layers of darker green and lighter yellow green. We shall see. Also undecided about adding to the watery section. Kind of like both as they are. Hmmm. Almost done with her! Not tired of this piece at all, don’t want to rush. Just fine pace as far as I’m concerned so far, and two more photos from this issue await.

Now how in the world does this painting have anything to do with my creative process, have anything to do with my internal healing process and all the stuff I talk about with my internal struggle. Well, for one thing if I can’t get off the bed to paint, that’s one thing that has to do with it. Having the wherewithal to find my joy (Lucinda Williams!) (ahem), matters. Well, caring enough to paint well, to not just paint black crap and throw things at the canvas, paint with a knife, but to paint inspiring and hopeful, passionate, lush and tropical things, that’s caring about life enough. So there is a connection. I have to care.

There’s more to it that I’m still figuring out. But let me jump straight into the thick of today’s healing discussion. So yesterday was kind of hellish in places for me, as my internal room/world got out of hand, so noisy, so chatty, hardly the peaceful place I tend to enjoy. At the end of the day, Jason suggested I read, and I finally did, to quiet my mind a bit, although I didn’t think it would work AT ALL. Thank you Jason! I picked up Buddha Standard Time. Almost done, by the way, and you might think, well, a lot of good that book has done her, but it has. We have been discussing right and left brain issues in counseling and it has stirred up a LOT of stuff in my brain and that is part of the problem. And the goodness of what is going on. A lot of good discussion going on in here.

And the book section was perfect. Perfect! It was talking about sacred and profane time. Rather than ordinary time. How you need to take time in your life to reflect, each day, each week, each birthday (October 26th!), and for sabbaticals. I finished the section, got up and did my yoga and it dawned on me. I expect my inner world to be like it used to be before I heard voices (sorry, yes, I hear voices, bleah bleah, don’t be scared o me!) and was all peace and blissed out on Buddha and Zen and social advocacy and peace work, yes there was a time. There was. Relatively. So now there is a lot of anger and sadness, and whatnot. Children and adolescents chatting and suggesting and conversing and giving me their versions of history and memories. I have to listen and manage and offer my condolences and have opted to ask them to release their energy and stick around, hang about.

So I decided last night, scarily wondering, what if, what if, I’ll never have a time again where there is no peace, no bliss? Where there is always this chatter, all these versions of me, longing for Nameless, and Nameless and Nameless and this and that and that? Not now. Not happy, Just MAD and SAD. Frickin hell. Please Buddha no. But then I decided that no, I could envision that with a lot of work and meditation and yoga and whatever it takes I could be that Peaceful Blissed Out Buddhist I Wanna Be. I mean anger and sadness happen. More often than not to me with my history but I can take that. If I envision it, so I’ve learned, in my creative history, over and over, and I also believe, politically (for those wondering about our collective future), that we can envision a better future. And it will happen. Hard work. And Vision. And as always, Love. Be there. Be here, now. Apparently, from what the book says, we are already in the perfection of now and just need to realize the wholeness. Working on that one. Hee. Take care.

About amyjacksoncc

I am a professional artist, writer and musician creating from my home studio. To view my artwork, visit http://www.amyjackson.cc
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