Finished but not posted to the web, shhhh! hee. In part because I just this second finished her, and in part because I just noticed that the yellow highlights I just added have faded so there will be some touch-ups before final posting, on the morrow, I’m ‘sposing.
My apologies for the delay in blogging, creating, painting, whatnot, but I almost gave up the fight two days ago. I can’t really get into it. But suffice it to say, I am still here. Good! They had to up my medication a bit to help me out because I was a bit confused about what was happening with the alters and I’m hoping it helps. My libido increased suddenly out of the blue, while my self esteem was still really very low and that caused quite a mess inside. Hard to describe, hard to explain. Thank you guys who are still listening to all this, really. Humans are hard.
My counselor did say yesterday that the Nameless who did the most of what I’m grieving about now was “sick”, “mentally ill” and “probably had a personality disorder of some sort.” But I loved/love Nameless so much. Very confusing. Hard to parse. Such a mix. So the struggle continues in my heart and soul. But I am a survivor. Trying not to run from it. She also said I was a good daughter even though I felt rejected. That I was pure, a blank canvas when I was born and I need to focus on that.
I said I really want to focus on my goal of an inner world where I can find peace among all these piece of self, these fragments. I asked her point blank if this was achievable. She stopped and said, well, it takes a singleton, someone without multiple personalities, a long time to grieve over someone like a father, and it takes someone with multiples about “fifteen times” as long. No wonder I almost gave up the fight two days ago, and this was yesterday. I broke down and cried. I hardly ever cry, you know, raised such a stoic Southern Lady in a way, still, to be strong, even though I’m kinda wild, too, in my way, and full of rage. We both realized she had never seen me cry like that in session. It was a very good thing. It felt really good. It’s a start.
I still feel emotionally hungover, surreal, bruised. Wrote a great poem, I think, called “Missing GA License Plates” which I can’t post anywhere, because it’s just too damned truthful. I’m afraid. Oh well. It will come out some day, I suppose, when I am less afeared, mentions the GA statute of limitations. Enough said.
Love the painting tho and am glad to be almost, by strokes, mere seconds, to being done. I’m very excited to sketch a newbie and start the next one. More tropics, more great, challenging water and foliage of Papua, New Guinea.
Lovely day today, absolutely. We ran errands at the mall and picked up some panini, then came home to walk Chipper and munch down. Then Jason went to run groceries, I ran laundry and tried to rest restlessly for a few hours until finally I felt like I was chill enough to paint, had figured out the chocolate/lime/chocolate/rust scheme to finish the painting.
I’m shaking my head. Sometimes life seems so easy, for the artist. For my heart, for the human, not so much. I’ll keep doing my best. Lots of fun plans this birthday month. Hard to believe I almost threw it all away. I apologize. Guilt and shame have to go but selfishness has to go, too. Here’s to a new year, of challenging myself in new ways, in old ways, more deeply, to being a good student, a good friend, a good lover of LIFE/ART/BEINGNESS. 🙂