The original painting has similar shapes but is almost all dark, similar to the jungle, and I’m adding playful colors, as I added playful shapes to the jungle yesterday. Hey, if this is therapy, let me play, right?
Lots of flashbacks while painting today, but kept on. They are like alternate, past realities, like old rooms layering over current rooms, that made me dizzy to write that just now. eep. Apparently they are alters, these flashbacks, they are layers of me that remember, like landslides or something, kind of, trapped in time, remembering layers of time, still living the war, as it were. I tell them I’m sorry that stuff happened to them and commiserate, let them enjoy painting in the now. Today, one of them told me she needed to rest, NOW! and fortunately we were very close to finishing a stroke, and the painting session. She had a particularly rough time of it for many years, so I’m very patient with her. (me, her)
Another one I can tell you a bit more about was very upset today and needed to cry a bit, not me, but her. So while I was painting, which was a bit difficult, actually, I listened to her, as I would a young five or six-year-old (?) friend, and compassionately tried to help her through her experience and memories. There was a Kiddie Day Parade and she had been looking forward to it for many weeks, because she was going as a Geisha, getting to wear her Aunt Nell’s authentic Kimono and flip-flops, and a black plastic wig. I think she also got to wear a tiny bit of make-up, not sure. But she was very excited about wearing the Kimono. Was it Aunt Ladybug’s? not sure. I think it was Aunt Nell’s, she says, because Aunt Nell didn’t have many special things and Ladybug had lots of special things? Not sure.
Well, she was standing with a friend at the beginning of the parade, which made her very happy and safe, who was Raggedy Ann. But then as they started walking, one of her flip-flops, which were borrowed and too big, really, fell off, and frightfully afraid of getting glass of in her feet (having stepped on a big piece of glass one Summer and cut her foot very badly) she was rightfully afraid of walking in the city streets barefoot for the rest of the parade, and began to cry. She lost her place in the parade, looking for the missing flip-flop, barely able to see now she was crying so uncontrollably and everyone asking what was wrong but people continuing to walk on around her and encouraging her to keep walking in the parade eventually, which she did. So, she did, kind of limping along, crying, only to have people laugh at her as she walked along in the parade for the rest of the route.
Oh it was awful, she says to me now. I know. Just awful. I know. And she gave the Kimono and the wig back and got in trouble for losing the flip-flop, but only briefly, more trouble for losing her cool about it all. Who wants to be in a parade anyway, she says. But she still loves ticker tape parades, she says, and the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and the Rose Bowl Parade on New Year’s Day, which usually still makes her cry because of the sweetness of its odes to Nature’s beauty.
Reading in Chopra briefly post-painting and he writes about how they study the brain with computers, which is fascinating, really, to me. How meditating monks focusing on compassion demonstrate enormous gamma waves … just fascinating … I wonder when I’m switching between alters, or flooding like I was yesterday afternoon, what signals my brain would send — hmmm — my counselor and I have done some work recently on left and right brain thinking due to the Buddha Standard Time book.
Honestly, during the abuse by one Nameless, it was so bad that I would pass out to the right or the left, would see black or red, would try to count to ten, but I was so young that I would pass out before I could get much further because I didn’t know many numbers yet, counting past ten was really really hard and still hurts my brain. Math is still very hard for me. Yow. Typing that was hard. So my counselor and I thought that we could find out some interesting things, to say the least, by talking about what my thoughts were about right and left brain thinking. And we just scratched the surface before I lost my self esteem and my libido skyrocketed. Hello. I think we found something. Note to self. Go back to this subject. Yow. Brain Hurts.
Next up is a painting of an island which will be done on the horizontal, just a massive, tiny, island that will take up the whole canvas, in the middle of the Australian ocean area. Pretty specific, eh? So …
Chipper is asnoo in the bed and my neck needs moist heat in the form of some sort of heating pad thingy … I’ve been doing well today with dissociating and being calm, very little with the angry spurts, very good with the gentle and calm. I think the snow, SNOW! makes me cheery. It’s bad for Jason though, so we’re both watching the roads here and there in Herndon for him today. Thankfully, Chipper and I can stay in today, me with my lil snowflake clothes and he with his fur now-dried of its snowflakes, soon to be under the covers, per me. It’s all good.