Seems like every night there’s something to test me, to put me on edge, and sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn’t. The thing that has put me most on edge lately happened during the day and that was, well two things, writing about LOVE and writing about early dissociation. The novel writing. Both of which will continue. But, back to the night-time THINGS that go BUMP, as it were, had the back-to-back nightmares again last night.
One where this lady ghost came down the hall looking for her lover and trying to get into the bed with me and I woke up kicking the covers off away at her, “I’m not Gordon, I’m not Gordon … (!)” Yipes. Got up, had a banana, because of the Topamax I take for migraines the potassium in them is super-good for me, and because they are easy and help me get back to sleep, usually.
‘Kay, had another dream where my second husband was down the hall and was in the shower with another woman, never would have cheated on me btw, and in my shock I got so mad and we were fighting with all these people mostly on his side about ownership of my artwork of all things which for some reason he was trying to manage. Crazy angry defensive dream. Again, he never would have cheated on me.
Third dream a male high school friend gave me back some drawings of dresses that he had taken from me, never happened, and then another male high school bully took them away from me and made fun of me. One of my female bosses then intervened and told me it was a man’s world and how basically I just had to DEAL. I got super-angry and defensive.
Another dream was really really gross and about me being bullied but I don’t really remember all the setup details. I’ll spare you.
Suffice it to say, I was glad when I could get up.
And I’m a bit defensive and mixed up and grumpity today, on edge. It did help to walk, but, heh, I wore the knee high, super cute but super not ergonomic booties that I got for my birthday. I kept thinking of that Bowie song FASHION — turn to the left, turn to the right — beep beep! because my metatarsals went numb about halfway into the walk. I was impatient with Chipper’s infinite sniffage wants and had to be PATIENT instead. It was rough, I tell you. My life is so hard, right? Back to the UGG and Dansko and Frye and Born and … well, with the foot in mind, and the ankle and the back — for me — for walkies at least — you should’ve seen me toddling around the bog on those heels today — I was laffin at myself pretty hard —
So today, I am going to reread what I wrote on Thursday that put me so on edge, because that is my quality control, and then go into the back of the novel and put in the reveal to the dissociation. I’m thinking that when she has the repressed memories come out later like me … etc. so that is later in the novel. Should be pretty hard to write. So sounds like I may be revealing more about Namelesses after all. I’m beginning to care less about protecting them in the novel than I did before. Big sigh. We shall see.
Almost done with the current painting about ready to be. It feels about ready to be done, not too soon or tired of it, as can sometimes happen. Excited to start the new ones, which I think you’ll like, a new series from Jamaican photos a friend took a few years ago in Jamaica. I have three 18 x 36 canvases left and am thinking of three Jamaican coasts — he took the photos looking straight down from the coast into the water, with the waves crashing there, so it is a beautiful perspective. Very excited.
About 3 pm now and I’m fairly exhausted but in much better spirits. Finished the painting!
I’ll post it to the website, etc. later, work on the novel, cook up some Asian chicken, but for now much-needed rest …