You know it’s gonna be a good night of dreams when you wake up after two and they are both about data, the first about survey design and the second, data tabulation. Munch. Oh yeah. Another, my Great Aunt was in bed with Jason and me, casually, I might add, not in a weird way, and we totally convinced her to get an IPad. Heelarious. So I woke quite Zen.
I have counseling this morning and I’m a bit vulnerable about it, although I usually feel better after session, a bit raw sometimes, but better, adjusted like an emotional chiropractic. Still, still, it’s about LOVE. I’m such a mixed up mystic. And that’s being nice to myself. My heart is fragmented to say the least. Big ole sigh.
I really enjoyed cooking dinner last night, so sensual with the garlic and ginger, mixing up the spices for the chicken. Poor chicken, but … such as it is. I do so love sauteing the yellow and green onions, the garlic, lemon juice, mixing in the flavor base — a bit of soy, a bit of the chili garlic sauce — and she’s ready for the broccoli, mushrooms, tofu and cooked by now, chicken. Makes the house, hell, the immediate neighborhood, smell yum. Love that. Especially in the colder months. We have stir fry for a week once a month and it’s just enough.
Kind of business-like today, in a camel wool pencil skirt and camel tie-front wool sweater, white v-neck t-shirt, cream tights and my fave Ugg soft brown clogs. No added jewelry, so not quite sure Dress Up won really or if Boy is hiding underneath. Heh. He likes Ralph Lauren. Ha! Secretly, don’t you know. Oh! and a cream gauze scarf, which won’t go out again now that it’s warmer. Red lips. The peach blush is just perfect, I’m learning how to apply it, just a single stroke with the brush, and it’s there, thank you, the pigment quality is so high. HATE too much makeup. Have been, now that it’s Autumn, switching from my gold eyeshadow of Summer which I apply in a light triangle over the inside of the eyelid, very light in such intense heat/light, to a single swipe of soft brown in a semicircle over the full lid, which makes me feel very Paris/Coco, mwah! However, it needs a bit of sparkle, so I add back a triangle of silver to the inner eyelid. Voila!
(Like you care!)
So last night I pulled up the five Jamaica photos from my internet friend Iain Conliffe, who I met through a BBS dedicated initially to former frontman of Soul Coughing, Mike Doughty, but which developed over the many many years into a lovely community of souls who supported each other daily with laughter and encouragement. We are now secretly grouped on FB and gaining momentum again, thankfully. He posted these the other day, from a trip he and his wife took some years ago. Woo! ‘Kay. So I picked four from the five and decided that now there will only be two paintings in the series. I’m off to sketch now … before my session … in the hopes that will give me some calm in expression …
… post-session, with a headache and needing to rest before going any further …
Good reading up on that about how even monkeys raised with the wire monkeys will still seek nurturance from their wire monkey mothers because they know no difference.
Found out about that study a few months ago, in July I think, from my counselor. We were talking about how my Mother was unable to perform breast feeding for me because hers were infected. She hated that. No easy way to say that, sorry Mother. Anyway. So my Father and others, but mostly my Father, from what he said, rocked me and fed me with a bottle early on. Hey someone correct me if I’m wrong. Just step right in there. Ahem. Connected with him, bonded. Love.
Not getting into it all here, but in the novel, I’ve decided. Laying there in the bed in a fever of emotions writhing with my head all twisting and wanting to break something in there. I’ve decided, it’s going in the novel. Not here.
Big sigh. Head’s getting better having decided that.
Still very shaky, but had to get up. Will not lose the day to this crap.
Sketch is coming along, so I’ll get back to that and hopefully finish that and maybe paint some, so cathartic and nonverbally expressive. Then maybe write to get some of this out into the novel. Could curse several blue streaks and did in therapy today. Just can’t get into it here really. The Love, etc. … sorry. You see touching upon Mother/Father early bonding touches upon my biggest and deepest fragmentation/dissociation of all. Speechless, before speech. See? Kind of beyond screaming even. Pre-scream. And I could SCREAM!
So there she is, and it did indeed help to finish the sketch, but my head is hurting pretty badly still. I guess it comes with the territory today. I will flow on, write, paint, rest, we shall see, but at least the sketch is there for you to see. 🙂