An early morning it is here, 5:30 am at the moment, sip of coffee to, er, celebrate, I guess. I woke around 10:30 last night, was able to get to sleep again around 1 am til 3, then got up with Jason around 4, we both had some coffee and watched some of an old Jean Harlowe movie before he had to leave. Have been noodling around the internet for a while, edited the novel a bit, and am going to paint. See I cannot induce the smoothie noise, or the bathie noise on the neighbors until 6 am. I just don’t feel right about it. But I’m sure looking forward to both. Did have my yogurt though, and the coffee is awesome, simply divine.
Listened to Feist for a while and it was so refreshing for my heart to hear those clear notes, ahhhh, and sentiments, playfulness and positivity. Yay! Will most likely be Einaudi played softly, again for the neighbors’ sakes for bathies.
It’s supposed to be chilly with a chance of rain today so I’m excited to wear a darker palette today, and Boy and Dress Up are beginning to think of options but I’m not too worried about them for now. They are kind of superficial alters although they do carry a good deal of personality with them throughout the day, behaviorisms, etc. so they are deeper than clothes, they express me. Why not just Boy/Girl or Boy/Woman you may ask? Well I don’t (rightly) know. It’s a bit complicated with one of my abusers so I can’t really get into it. Sigh.
Oh, and if you care, maybe not, I don’t wear nail polish per se. In high school I took piano lessons, somewhat against my will, although I loved playing the piano, hated practicing and recitals, loved ballet instead, loved singing and choir and chorus instead. Oh well. Anyhoo, I had to keep my fingernails very short all the time and could only wear clear polish to keep them neat. In college, I wore opalescent nail polish because it looked ghostly and let them grow long. Rarely red.
Then I kind of wore nail polish but I was typing so much as an administrative assistant long nails were nonsense, so short. They really get in the way to this day for typing. However, I do develop the “DIVA” nails and let them all grow long naturally and once they break I cut them all short again. I avoid wearing nail polish on them because it comes off almost immediately because I’m a nail bita!
Again! Like you care!
Now pedicures — love them, rarely get them but give them to myself as regularly as possible. Much care for the toesies as I see this as very importante. Polish this Summer was a peachy coral. Over the Winter was An Affair with Red. Before that was a neutral taupe that almost made me sick. Bah. About to reapply the peach. More fascinating details!
Over night I had to struggle with younger alters who were confused about what I wrote and I had to keep rephrasing their sentences to I was abused by Nameless, until they got it right. They kept phrasing things sexually, using sexual words. There is a lot of guilt because I participated in stuff toward the end of the abuse because I was an adolescent by then and I feel very ashamed, but by that time I had literally been trained, behaviorally modified, what to do, whereas initially, as well as at the end, drugs and alcohol were used to get me to do things. It sucks. It makes me really mad.
I’m really glad that they are going after these Penn State people and that the law is on their side after all this time. Thank HEAVENS! Way it should be. Justice. I think of all the people who were abused and all the related people who were affected by now and it just staggers the mind and the heart. I know how the abuse hasn’t just affected me it’s affected a lot of other people in my world. Thankfully it ends with me. I’m not abusing anyone. But the generations of abusers that I come from was very deep and profound, multi-layered. Come and get me for saying that, but it’s frickin true. There is a reason why the people did what they did to me. No excuses for it, but they were abused themselves, most likely. Stop the cycle!
Rant ends there.
I so enjoyed painting in the colors I used for the rock yesterday, Buff Titan, Burnt Umber, Mars Black, Neutral Gray and Titanium White. Very sensual. Body-like. Eep! No, but they also remind me of shell colors and I have been wanting to paint sea shells for ages. I have collected shells since I was a little girl, since we used to go to the beach like every year. Now we rarely are able to go and I feel odd collecting because they are so rare even. But we lucked into a whole basket of them at a yard sale years ago in Nashville and I added them to my collection. Sea spa theme in bathroom. Now I’ve seen amazing, breathtaking photos and paintings of sea shells that would make me never want to do either one because they were so well done, but what I’m imagining since yesterday is something done with a bit rougher hand, a bit more abstract, if you will. We shall see. Well it’s almost six!
Lovely bathies as always … Rose and shea … then Dress Up won, with a purple Summer frock, sweetheart neckline, too sweet for any added necklace, but a bracelet: Venetian beads Jason got me from the Sundance catalog a few years ago for Christmas, milk beads, purple, green, really fun to play with the danglies there during the day … — overlong black wool straightline cardigan, some of the new ribbed black tights, chocolate looped fringe scarf, black Dansko clogs! Fun!
Fairly exhausted and that tummy ache that usually comes with getting up so early and having had the full dose of coffee already. Hmmm. So will rest for an hour or so. Have a B12 shot at 11:45, which seems AGES from now.
Well, that didn’t work out so nicely. I had major sense memories and had to get up just now. Got pretty angry and had lots of random flashbacks as well. Hmmm. Not sure what to do. This can happen when I haven’t had much sleep. Nice.
Painting, even just the smooth edges of the two most recent paintings, is helping. Now those are done as far as I can for now, the brush is clean. I set some more Prussian Blue and Phthalo Blue Green Shade paint for the ocean crashing against the Jamaican coast. I keep having these spurts of anger in spite of my best efforts to stay calm inside. I guess that is only normal. Even the wiki article on Dissociative Identity Disorder says that spurts of anger are normal. So I should give myself a break on that. I want to be Zen, 24/7. No can do even inside my itty head. Oh well. I try. Boy did I have the fury in bed a while ago. Just pure rage laying there, and I felt it like a volcano and it passed. Thank goodness.
So, the paintingn will show below. I sometimes have trouble typing in after I’ve uploaded, so I will explain a bit. Water, she is hard to catch with a brush, even two brushes. Heh. So I try in the abstract. Tried several ways actually, as you can see, and as you can’t for I scrubbed some out. Too shaky and pooped to say much more and will rest, hopefully nicely this time, before going to get my B12 shot. Fingers crossed. Good thoughts for me today, eh? May blog a second time if I get a second wind, hey, it could happen.