Woke up again after the brilliant sleep, grand dreams! But at 6:30 was irritable for want of food this time. Was almost like a rocket’s rough entry into space or re-entry into the world, rather, I thought, my entry into waking. My temper frustrates me so. Had a major (!) dissociation into temper tantrum during bathies that I can’t quite explain that ended just so, drying off. ? Thankfully.
Jason’s watching the rest of what happened to our poor President Lincoln’s body on the History Channel. I just warmed up to three songs by Patty Griffin then Loco Girl. Voice a bit caffeine, and, I suppose, adrenaline, shaky, but I think it will go well. We can only do Loco Girl today due to laptop Motu setup issues, v. Imac Motu setup issues, which is okay.
Beautiful, beautiful calming walkies. Whereupon I felt much shame for said temper tantrum. I just hate my anger sometimes. I just hear such awful things that upset me and lose control inside and it makes me even more helpless, which is my least favorite feeling. Out of control. I feel out of control most of the time, but when I really feel out of control is during temper tantrums. Which is why Cat and Anger scare me so. Loss, Fear of Losing People, Things I LOVE. Fear of the Unknown. These are all very hard to bear and I react in helpless, weird, unpredictable, immature ways internally. Smooth on the outside, weird on the inside. So I cope. And feel guilty later.
Argh. So I will be thrilled to have a great creative day. And get some good meditation time in. Then I see a friend at 4 for coffee at Starbucks. Yay! A good end to the day. We shall see how the vocal turns out. I so love the song. So meaningful for me.
We practiced and my vocal was shaky with caffeine/adrenaline. Too much for me. Jason said we could postpone, I said no, so he suggested the red vino from yesterday. I laughed, at 10 am? But ran for it. Three sips. I’m drunk! I said, after one take, not feeling the focused vocal, not feeling much at, quite dissociated. You’re not drunk after three sips, he said. Two more takes, not so good for me. Then one take where I lost my timing altogether and a talking to, much-deserved. Chipper came in, sitting next to Jason, I completely relaxed, and we did a take. That was it! perfect, or perfect enough. I listened to it a while ago after mixing and it really is spontaneous, well done, nothing I would change really. Wish I could upload it but we need to save it for the RELEASE, don’t you know! hee. Hopefully Early New Year! Hopefully Chris Whitley’s Estate will like what we have done?
We thanked Chipper and I swear to God he winked at us!
Then, today, I’m like, it’s 11:20 and the second glass of vino. It’s like Thanksgiving, my hands smell of garlic, rosemary, sweet marjoram — the marinades for the roast pork for this week and the roast turnips — I limit myself to two glasses but I could so trash myself. That’s bad. Jason’s gone to gas up his car and get more vino, one white for the pork and apparently another red for me for the week. Hmmm. Yay?
There are still somehow another two glasses in there. Jesus’s bottle. Was thinking about that song Crazy Mary, pass the bottle, yesterday. So many who’ve been through something like me have ended up in the streets. I’m very fortunate something in me was strong enough to steer (?) into the workforce, into martyrdom and work myself hard instead of play (?)… that. But it’s there, that urge. I can feel it. Sip.
Listening to the new Wilco album now — yay! I can’t wait to hear our tribute album front to back — I’m a bit scared of our Rocket House cover but Jason says it’s good to get out of the box — wants to play it live — me, too — although am I a performer? Nervy me? PTSD? Forgetting lyrics? reading lyrics live? cool?
Time to paint … wait, I think I finished it yesterday. I look at it now and see no more strokes left to complete it. eep! I can’t rename this blog or … Hmmm.
We just listened to Loco Girl again and I am such a girl. My voice is so girl. That’s nice. It fits the song. Cat likes the Rocket House vocal more than I do. Heh.
So now I will meditate, rest. Writhe. Hee. I suppose. I will then sketch the new Jamaica Coast II. To come. Maybe this afternoon. To Have or Have Not on TCM. Love Bogie and Bacall, so sorry for her to have lost him so soon. Kills me for her.