I feel so very blessed on the one hand, by the light and warmth in my life, and on the other hand, so very very challenged by the darkness and depths of my Persephone. She walks in dark places and has come back with the foulest mouth, etc. Whatever. I have to keep rephrasing her thoughts and reworking the black seam of her mind. I feel so much shame and guilt sometimes for my thoughts. I’m glad I have counseling today and in a way feel silly to admit my thoughts, like she’ll go, they’re just thoughts after all, why are you worked up about all that? But I do get all knotted up. It’s sometimes the hardest thing of all to have compassion for myself and find my balance again. But that is a great thing about the observer and self-awareness in Buddhism. Also in the Chopra book, recently I read about having soft focus, about letting thoughts flow softly, with soft not harsh judgement. Or you’ll make yourself crazy is the implication. Right. Been there, done that.
So I’m blessed again to have the lovely warmth upon waking and ease of entry into the world this morning, although the severe guilt and shame that didn’t lift ’til about halfway through walkies. At the top of the bog, I felt so very tall? Oh, the leaves have fallen! So very surreal … so still not to have their motion there. So few birds and no crickets, of course the cicadas so long gone now.
Had the most intensely inspiring abstract art dream just before waking, I think, not sure on the real timing? of waking? dreaming and reawakenings? Hee. There are so many now. Anyway. It was as if I was in an art colony in Latin America and everyone had painted everything … there was an art show downstairs that everyone was literally worshipping that was indistinguishable from the landscape, the mountains, the sky, everything. Everything was made of tin. Beautiful colors. Next painting. No sketch. Soon come.
Seeing poets everywhere now as well as poet kings. Maybe you can find some around you, too. Stone’s throw? Hey speaking of poetry, if you’re willing to go seek me out, you can find that poem Missing GA License Plates I wrote up on my site now. It’s okay, a venting. I figured I should post my two poems for the year up there. Oh hey, I just checked and the inner linkies don’t work yet, but there are two poems in there. I’ll have to remember how to do that.
Back from counseling now. It was helpful. Hard to get into from here, but it was helpful. Basically, as usual, I’m being too hard on myself, and I’m right to find my balance and to keep with that observer, soft focus, less harshly judgmental. So that’s reassuring that I had the right track on that.
Well, it turns out there is a sketch. I wanted to paint more but wanted to get this up around three pm, as I’ve been doing lately. The palette has reds, orange, pinks, blues, greens, more to come. Who knows? So hard to match the vivid intensity of the oh so beautiful fading dream now.