Slept off and on last night, with grand dreams to start yet then nightmares three, then slept very well indeed. Last night I ended up with a bad headache that I have remnants of today. I have a mix of feelings today, Joy, gratitude, sadness, shock, surrealism, fascination, bits and pieces of me floating around the room. Fragile. Overall in good spirits.
Yesterday I had good success with imagining rosy light all over me for some good time and it felt great. I have a very small rose quartz heart. At one time when I was into crystal healing before, I had a huge boulder almost of rose quartz, that I have since given away. At one time I gave away crystals to refugees from Central America that I worked for in Comus, Georgia immediately following graduation, a great community called Jubilee Partners. So I’m going to be working on the rosy light again. I tried the white but didn’t have the strength to summon it yet, so rose will have to do for now.
Walking this morning was on the side of frigid cold for the first time this season and I loved it. Wished at times for gloves and traded hands for pockets, but did okay. I don’t look so great in hats so avoid them. I’m vain, bah. But I have the Afghani cap which will do in a pinch, will wear them to save my life. Heh. But will avoid them when possible. Gloves I will wear at the drop of a hat.
Still thinking of tightening and tweaking the plot of Rebekah’s Closet in my head, but largely she is done. Maybe I’m avoiding the formatting.
The painting is like a puzzle now so I’m thinking and thinking of what colors are next.
So resting makes sense.
Read in Chopra a chapter on body image, etc. squinting like you wouldn’t believe without my glasses in the restaurant yesterday. And the good news is I absolutely love my body where I am now. It’s been some years but I have gotten myself, even my tummy, almost where I want it. I did my exercise ball and yoga this morning next to a very patient Chipper. Yoga is good exercise for Mama, I said. He knows all those words, btw. He winked and put his head on his paws. I have the worst kink in my right shoulder and neck that I’m trying to work out the past two days. Hopefully the yoga and moist heat will help work that out.
Oh! A song is on from one of my favorite albums, The Rhythmatist, by Stewart Copeland, the song is Koteja! I even quote it in Rebekah’s Closet! What a great experiment for him.
So was reading in Chopra in the waiting room and routine is very important, reducing anxiety and chaos paramount, as well as releasing anger … and in my case, old pain. I’ve been really good about having as much routine as possible where I can, and even incorporated that into the healing process for Rebekah in the novel! Meditation and yoga are there for me, as well as Nature and walkies, and Chipper, steady and healthy relationships to reduce anxiety and chaos … but the anger and pain still are so hard for me to release.
My counselor had a quotation and task for me today that I still barely can comprehend, similar to my many months now of parsing and sorting out the good from bad acts of my Nameless abusers … to forgive the acts but not the actors … how does one forgive acts of abuse, but not the abuser for example? Apparently this a step toward releasing the pain still held in my body itself, a way of forgiving myself. For all but two of my abusers, there are years and years of abuse held in my body, whole alters across spans, sometimes across decades of abuse, to sort through in this way, so she said we can do this work in sessions. Thankfully, because this really is incomprehensible. I’m beginning to think about it, will be meditating on it here and there, but not stress upon it, she said. I certainly do want this crap out of my system!
We realized today that Cat sits on top of the abuse, was formed kind of after the fact, and is a protector of the body as a whole, even a protector of the heart and soul. I’m not sure she will even come up in session, this work.
I’m kind of blown away by this work now.
I think I have a minor cold of some sort and will be taking it kind of easy, drinking lots of fluids and resting, still with the sinusy headachy thingy. We shall see. At least not the flu.
Pulled the chapter outline so I can see the forest for the trees, or whatever, for the novel, for some fine tuning. Would like to make some clever turns here and there overall. We shall see, since I have the time and some energy.
Have decided on some colors as well.
Such a lovely, fresh day. So glad for the Sun today — it cheers my soul.