Slept in late per Jason and had two appointments today, physical therapy and counseling, both of which are making me want to rest now, and I woke up tired. Heh. How is that for motivation? Well. It’s sunny out though and the rest does a body good.
The physical therapist said I will probably need surgery. She will write up an evaluation next week for the spine surgeon the following week and we will go from there, but she is pretty sure she’s done all she can do with her physical therapy techniques from the outside. I showed her my ankle and told her about my rib cage going out the other day and she was just overwhelmed in a way and repeated the need for surgery. She also pointed out the numbness in my fingers and the need to avoid nerve damage.
Then I rushed over to counseling where we discussed how ready/anxious I am about surgery and the possibility/experiences of diagnostic neck injections. Not good in the past but I am very hopeful of a better experience this time. I’m hoping to match The Neurology Center, where my neurologist is now, with the need for these injections, if so, with my spine surgeon. Maybe they will accept that. We shall see.
Then we talked about the long and intense flashback I had last night getting ready for bed. The alters/personalities/pieces of me are more active in the morning waking up, during the night and in the evening getting ready for bed — for some reason. So I went over this flashback with my counselor and it was really helpful to know more how we should be dealing with these as they come up, kind of like you would manage after a bad dream, lots of TLC. We kind of reacted with helplessness and anger last night. Which also make sense but are less helpful than TLC directly to the alter that had the memory to give us after being holed up in my memory alone for so long, holding onto that shard of pain. And it was intense. Something the abusers made me do to break my spirit.
So now I feel like basically curling up in a ball in bed and resting for the whole rest of the day. not singing. not painting. not nothing.
not … recording.
Jason is also resting now. so … not recording Day 3. we are okay with that and there is still time.