Great Barrier Reef, from Grief

So it took like forever to get to some kind of sleep last night, from eleven until two AM, then I would wake up, like, I think I was dreaming? off and on until Jason came in to kiss me good bye to leave for work. ? So not exactly sure how much and what kind of sleep I really got. But hey, not in much pain at all on the Percocet … I’ll take it. I even called the surgeon’s assistant and thanked her, said I didn’t realize what incredible pain I was in until I realized the lack of it in my life, that I was actually looking forward to the surgery and eventually a pain-free life. Thank you, indeed!

We had great walkies this morning, around freezing degrees, no sweater for Chipper today, since very little wind. Just bright and good.

Counseling focused on something I have held shame for and we parsed it out and now I don’t feel guilty any more. What a relief it is. Ahhhh. Like losing weight, emotional weight, counseling is.

Now I have a canvas I’ve been sitting with since the Summer, a therapeutic canvas I started in June? About one of my abusers. Now I’ve decided to paint over it, for it to become an image from ISLANDS Magazine, the Great Barrier Reef. No sketching is possible, I’ll just cover it entirely first with Cobalt Teal, then go from there. How freaking  nice that will be, from fraught to cool. Here is what I’m starting with now:

I’ve made a fresh palette with only Cobalt Teal on it for now, here goes!

Ahhh, I feel like diving in already … that’s much better. More tomorrow on that.

We’ve been slowly watching Like Water for Elephants and last night got to the hard parts where I had to leave the room actually for a little while. I just can’t stand any kind of beating of humans or animals. And why should I, or anyone? But I just can’t. I get too involved in the movie and even this morning I had to explain to the little alters that it is just a movie because they were still worried about the elephant. So hopefully we can finish the movie tonight with a happy ending. We shall see.

Have continued to read the Chopra book and it has broadened back into some larger themes about seeking goals that are internal rather external. I can relate to that but I want to work with my counselor still about even things as simple as my ego, and soul. Where do they reside in a multiple personality system? I did say before that my soul is wracked with pain and my ego? Well I can’t really say, since my self-worth can sometimes go to zero and sometimes I feel like confidence is shameful. I have regained, thankfully, in the past six months or so, my sense of confidence to a healthy level, where I don’t feel competitive, where I feel secure, a healthy state, but I do still have pangs of self-doubt that throw me to the floor so quickly! It was one of those events in my life that I took to my counselor today, and fortunately we were able to shake it out in the light of day, and make it right. So I don’t have to burden myself with that anymore. Yay!

Well, I need some bed time right about now.

I’m hoping to sketch on the dry painting surface tomorrow with the black oil pastel, or maybe the gold, to get the lines in, for the Great Barrier Reef. Fun! Get a little tropical for the New Year. I do wonder what I’ll be capable of artwise after the surgery, with the neck brace, and the initial fatigue from the anesthesia. I’ll just have to see then. Should be some interesting blogging. Heh. We shall see.

About amyjacksoncc

I am a professional artist, writer and musician creating from my home studio. To view my artwork, visit http://www.amyjackson.cc
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