Many nightmares yet, and strange daymares in between, of violence to Chipper and me in strange unknown neighborhoods, last night — hellish — argh! Got out of bed promptly to avoid it all at 6 am.
Thankfully by 8 am I was well past it, but very achey, nervy and strangely comical.
Getting ready for the day, I listened to Together Through Time by Bob Dylan, that may explain the strangely comical, such as “It’s All Good”?
Then, checking in on one of my all-time fave musicians, Elvis Costello on Facebook, to find this gem from last night:
I don’t know if I got that link right, er. We shall see. Anyhoo, it put quite the spark in my day. Yay!
I drafted my email update, to go out soonishly. It does take some time to bcc my network, so it will happen sooner now. So, progress, and then I painted! Wow! Who knew that would happen, and bright purple, even? Jewel tones!
Then rested … much to Chipper’s delight, walked him among the landscapers, also wearing purple, and cursing broadly in Spanish, not about me, thankfully, not realizing I know Spanish, to my delight, me not letting on of course.
Then I walked to counseling and, we took some time parsing the strong burrowed egg that was, WAS, the younger and adolescent alters around the Namelesses. We thought initially that they had formed this way in July, but then we realized it was more in December, around my own guilt, in a particular writing of a section in the book, and in a particular section around the holidays about forgiving the actions but not the actors. That specific session really threw the alters for a loop because it involved my own actions and guilt, and I still have a great deal of shame and confusion about all of that.
Ahh, but that was the arrow that pierced the chrysalis in which they were all hiding their love, protecting their anger, around the Namelesses, strongly and cleanly refusing to listen to me and my counselor. We did it!
Now for the very hard work of feeling the shame, confusion and guilt, compassion and TLC for myself, not something I’m very good at for lo these many years. Practice, practice. I meditate, I shall meditate on this. During session I could feel their fingers like nerve receptors reaching for something, anything to take the pain away, teddy bears, alcohol, anything — please they said. TLC it is. So that’s my homework for now.
We were quite pleased with ourselves. But it’s some work to do yet. Listen at me. Speaking Southern to you an all.
Oh, the painting! So, it’s all filled in, but not done yet …
and for that matter, neither am I …