That’s a good feeling to finish a painting, eh? So there she is, after ten iterations here … I added bits of starlight to the itty islands below to balance out the yellow in the islands above.
Overnight and today have been hard. Turns out that layers around and above the feeling of a clean and innocent heart, where I let go of shame and guilt, where I have been meditating since counseling yesterday — are deep sadness, awareness of how deeply my abusers have hurt me. Gah! I would have supposed maybe I would feel lighter somehow? Oh well, I will feel my way through this, too, and THEN I’ll feel lighter, heh. I emailed my counselor about it this morning, and her silence in return means to me, because I asked her if I was on the right track, is that yes, you are, otherwise she would be steering me in another direction. And I am blogging and journalling about it, talking to Jason and others about it. One person said, You have the cleanest heart of anyone I know! Well, cool!
I had the hardest time getting into anything at all today. When Jason left for the Saturday groceries run, I heated up the moist heat pack and with Chipper beside me in bed, fell fast back to sleep. Quite grumpily I put the groceries away I must say and quite grumpily did I get to anything, painting, but with catharsis, I did add the starlight to it and finished it, and now I feel much much better. Deep sigh. Deep release.
I mean, with the layers of shame releasing there is deep vulnerability in my heart, right where they hurt me, right where somehow I loved them as they hurt me, where I let them in as a human being. It’s just crazy. Of course it hurts. I could just howl. I want to numb out like nobody’s business. It’s just going to take a lot of time. Of course, like every other wound would. I’m shaking my head. It’s already taken so much time, like how LONG? It makes me sick it takes so long, but this is progress.
So, what should I paint next? I was just painting the final edges of three peony paintings, and I’m loving them, so maybe one of those, or … ? another tropical? We shall see — that is a good distraction for me …
Tomorrow we are going to Barnes and Noble with a coupon they sent us — woo!
And now, Jason is making our home smell lovely with veggie alfredo yum yum! Can’t wait! Happy Saturday!