Hanakapiai Beach – VIII

How’s that for instant gratification? No line, no waiting. Yeah. The sky will take time, she said … it’s starting to hurt my shoulder when I paint now. Argh. Starting yesterday. Kay.

Got the MRI today. Made it just fine until she said, You had a tiny bit of movement on that last set, so try to not move on this one. Only, only, I had just reached a really chilled out state of breath prior … and I had nowhere else to go. See, I started with these really small bird breaths that I had to work down to nice breaths, which is where I was when I made the tiny movements. For the first time in all of the MANY MANY MRI’s that I have ever had (!) I had a fer real gosh darn tootin’ PTSD panic attack with the noise shooting at me and everything for three minutes, trying to catch my breath again and stop moving.

I lost it on that one, I said when it was over. I freeeaked out, I said. I have PTSD, I admitted. I could tell, she said, and here I thought you were a pro, she said. Are you okay? she asked. Yeah, I said. Okay, this is the last one, I’ll cut it in half to a minute and a half, ready, go! Ahhhhhhhh! What? So I kind of had another mini panic attack and held it together kind of barely and we were done.

You see, I’m a perfectionist, I told her, as she carefully extracted me from the machine, apologizing for her cold hands. You did okay, she said. Really? You got good results? I hope so, I said, hoping all was not for naught after so much effort.

She led me to the changing area, to the locker area then, and said, coming out later, Good job! Really? I asked.

Whew! So that was at 11:30 to 12:20 or so. … fed and walked Chipper, fed myself, rested and rested and then at 2:00 pm it dawned on me that the results might be ready. Scheduled a follow-up appointment, the earliest (!) for June 4. They were ready:

Thankfully no rotator cuff tear, but there is a “tiny glenohumeral effusion.”

Read fluid in the shoulder joint. Tiny. Tiny hurts though. Tiny thorn hurt the Lion and he had to get help getting that thing taken out. Not sure what they do for this sort of thing. We shall see.

Sigh. At least it’s nothing worser.

Kay. So last night I woke up at 1:30 with flashbacks to Nameless that are so graphic that I can’t email them to my counselor. That’s pretty graphic. I have to get up and journal them because I’m afraid I’ll forget, so I can try to sleep. At four am I’m still flashing, with more details and still getting up and journalling. Bah and ewww. And rage and shame and denial. And Blood.

So. Another surreal day for me today. Which explains in part why I lost my nerve in the MRI machine. I never do that. I come close, but I can always go to beach. I tried. But it did turn out okay in the end. I painted. I rest … Hopefully I sleep better tonight. (tomorrow is another day)

About amyjacksoncc

I am a professional artist, writer and musician creating from my home studio. To view my artwork, visit http://www.amyjackson.cc
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