So where the eff have I been? Seriously, I could ask myself the same question, because I have wondered, the past few days, laying there in bed, wishing I could function more properly, creatively, staring into space, there, in bed … yes! Well, I think what happened is that this was the tail end of the dragon of the cold and that when I took Chipper for the long walkie on Wednesday, lovely as it was, that I snapped myself into that tail, for by the night, I had a sinus headache that would not, could not be ignored, no, lo these many days, it sat on my head and literally took up the space. My head could be used for nothing else really, thinking or doing or creating. I thought of putting a sign on my forehead that said, “No funciona,” or “This Space for Rent,” which are not the same things in both languages, btw. The first means, doesn’t work, or broken. But Space, anything to do with space, cadet, spaciness. You got it, I was OUT there, in the great beyond.
That’s not to say I didn’t go out to lunch to meet my friend Talia on Thursday, but was I worth a damn as a conversationalist? Could I talk? Not really. I could not. I was not quite so good at the lunch friend, Ladies Who Lunch. But as Talia put it, you have to eat lunch anyway, and I got delightfully caught up on all sorts of fun things. Yay! Back to bed and delirium …
Friday. Well, there were big plans that could not be averted. I drove myself and my friend and neighbor Sonia to Politics & Prose, where we successfully had a meal at Modern Times Coffeehouse and deliciously ate book titles, and whereupon I treated myself to my long-adored but never-owned refrigerator word magnets and a humongous book of Latin American Poetry — ahhhh — yes! and then I gave her my copy of America, Again by Stephen Colbert and mini-press kit de moi about my early paintings hanging just steps downstairs mind you and my book Rebekah’s Closet just steps upstairs mind you in a neat manila folder with a business card stapled nicely inside thank you very much — and told her, Have fun, Be safe, and we hugged and she had her mission to get her copy and my copy signed and see if Sir Colbert may have interest in the kit, and my mission to make it safely home thusly as well — she and I having spoken at length about the worthy mission and her safe passage on the Metro/Bus system home and the need for me to get home to walk and feed Chipper that afternoon weeks before then, but especially today, with my cold acting up, the head cold now, and also my back? so … and sure enough driving was an unusual challenge with half the alters yelling, You’re going too fast! at 65, I mean really. Sigh.
Oh, and yesterday we went hiking and I dissociated at least once and Jason saw and it was wierd to try to catch myself back into walking straight but I did, and then on the way back the car my ankle went out or something and I almost fell?
So today walking Chipper, thankfully on a short walk, but for real this makes me mad and scared to not have any more control than this — we were by the far dumpster at the edge of the apartment complex crossing the street, and I turned my head left to check for cars when suddenly I dissociated and began to fall, and, cursing a blue streak because I could see I was falling hard, I fell on my left palm and left calf! I still had the leash in my left hand, and thankfully I’m not on the blood thinner anymore. Effing A! Come, come, Chipper and he came, dear boy, and sniffed me, lovingly, while I checked out my wounds, and checked to see if I could stand. Fortunately I could. Thankfully I take Calcium every day and I’m only 48 but it really really bugs me to dissociate and fall that way.
This is backwards today, but I sent my email update today for the month of November finally. I wrote it Thursday or Wednesday, I don’t remember. Memory being another thing that I have little control over. Ack. With my left hand on the ice and the right hand on the bcc and the mouse, I got that out this morning, thankfully. Yay!
Then, excitedly and somewhat doubtfully, I pulled out a large bright brush for the sky and dipped it in acrylic gel, then into the sky mix, to find that it had survived the four or five days down! I had worried so much that I was going to have to remix that sky, while I was laying there. But no, I was able to finish the sky, boldly, and the reflection, which I may deepen with a little shadow, not sure, to mirror what the photo does. So that feels really good.
Now, I still feel really shaken from this fall this morning. So I’m going to rest for a bit, then walk Chipper and feed him, rest more, then write. I sent out my first bits of The Front Porch to the email update list so they’ll get a taste of how it is turning out, so we shall see what folks think. More on that when I have more of a mind to give you. Still a lot of spaciness and shakiness. ARgh.
I told my psychiatrist that I had trouble walking and driving about two weeks ago now and she kind of looked at me but it’s so true. It’s more than dizzy. Walking when the world drops away from you and time shifts is like some kind of earthquake you don’t want to experience. I’m hoping it’s part of this cold, and hoping it gets better soon. Driving you have the car underneath you and you don’t fall out. But it’s still very serious. I don’t like this at all. I’m going to talk to my counselor about this tomorrow. I’m really really hoping this is temporary. Sheesh.