Ready to Live X – I

DSC_4364If that doesn’t say, Bugs Bunny and Corn at the same time, I don’t know what does. Eh?

I started a brand new multi-color palette: filling the underlying sponge and squeezing it out, putting it back in the tray, putting the overlaying palette sheet on top, spraying it with water, putting Cadmium Yellow down.

Up goes the “Arrow”. What a nice stroke that first one was. Sometimes I wish someone was videotaping me, watching me mix the limes, for example, today’s. It was fun, and I almost stopped to take a picture. The two colors swirled and not yet mixed …

The line from my sketch in the left leaf now gives it more “character” than perfection, so that is a blessing.

Chose the palest sky blue of the latest mix of four from the previous painting, after some degree of THOUGHT and ANALYSIS. Hence, almost Facebooked, What color is the sky in Mexico, in Santa Fe, in Iowa? Hmmm. Couldn’t decide, until the idea of purity came, and the palest is the purest for me. I’m milk like that. But I do love the dark.

Hey, we were talking about the Shadow and relegating alters to the Shadow in counseling, and they were having none of it.

Until later, one afternoon during resting, they came up in a group and said, We rather like the shadows, we grew up in the shadows, we live there.

Okay.

Just thought I’d pass the spooky bits on.

Lately, it’s been rather hard emotionally and we talked about it in counseling yesterday. How I’ll feel so much I’ll feel nothing suddenly, then too much, then nothing. Whoa. It’s a lot. I told her, Imagine all the things I’ve told you about in session, all the details of all the things, and now I’m open to being at one with all of that at any given time, and it’s for real. It’s coming.

I think no one feels particularly at home with themselves. Grumble grumble this or that. Right? Or there wouldn’t be so much self-help and psychoanalysis going on, I mean really. But in my case, hmmm. It’s a world, a miasma, a pizza, orbiting worlds. You want the sixties? you want to go to college suddenly? No? Too late!

There is that floaty nature of the world of me and there is my awareness of it, observing it in meditative stance, host stance, functioning stance.

And there is functioning dissociative stance. Ohh. No. Then there is functioning dissociative meditative observer stance. Two doors down, maybe she’ll talk to you, maybe not. Rag doll. A lot of processing going on down there.

Does that make sense? I hope so.

A friend also posted an article from Psychology Today about how people as parents, partners, friends, adults, what have you, workers, will do what they have learned to do from their conditioned, i.e., parental behavior training. Don’t I know it. I’ve been relearning perspectives and self-criticisms still since decades. That’s almost a sentence in another language.

Sigh. So many learned and conditioned behaviors, Kitty and Kat are alters that respond to them. Both of them get me into lots of trouble. And they are lots of FUN. Shh.

Okay. We had lovely company in the form of our two neighbors since 2005 from next door. Just so much fun but we didn’t get to bed ’til late so very tired. You know.

Beautiful day, sunny, in the fifties. Tomorrow night Spring Snow Storm Virgil is expected — whaa? o for real …

 

About amyjacksoncc

I am a professional artist, writer and musician creating from my home studio. To view my artwork, visit http://www.amyjackson.cc
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