I’ve been strategizing about how to go forward on this piece since sketching yesterday. I told you I had quite the conundrum in the upper third of the canvas, between foliage and branching? Yes. Well, I thought, I could paint the sky first. Just paint over those extra lines. No. I decided here to go with the dancing trees.
I laugh, though because I am looking at a book of most excellent tree photography by James Balog and my new Maxfield Parrish book, the latter especially, and was going for golden, sunlit branches. Well. I’m a Georgia girl at heart, what can I say?
The Red Oxide, Raw Sienna and the Burnt Umber kept fighting with the Naples Yellow, no matter what I did. I am reminded of the Okefenokee painting I did last year. The first one, where I really could put that rust in those trees. Well, why not? I feel it. It’s in there, and it gotta come out! Right? Right. I may tweak them with more light and darkness as I go forward but I like them. So that’s good.
I wore my back brace for the first time painting, ever, today. I was worn out after thirty minutes, but painted an hour. The first tree took thirty minutes. The second another thirty. Whew! Done.
I am on the verge of crying almost all the time now. It’s just there. I think the physical pain is so extreme, all over, like even my shoulders hurt now. Why? Hell if I know. The emotional pain is extreme as well. Stays that way. But you knew that. It’s me here talking, right? I don’t say it every day, but you know.
I so look forward to the IV, to getting rolled in to surgery, to getting this new structure in my back, to going forward. I know I will have challenges getting dressed, to doing things I take for granted now. I mean, your back is involved in every single movement of the day. I will most likely really cry and whine and stuff and folks will be sick of hearing me. But eventually, eventually … the pain will lessen and it will feel good back there. Yes. June? Sigh of relief. That’s my light at the end of the tunnel I’m in right now. Hope.
Last night I was in so much pain, I put on the IPod and by Buddha if the music there didn’t distract me from it somehow. The power of music is great. Jason read a book called Musicology. Music is GREAT. Like Buddha/God is great. I mean that. I had no idea really until last night. Like magic. I’m here to tell you …
Chipper is great. Animals that are your friends. I owe him so much. My silent companion who follows me from room to room. The bright eyes who are always so positive every morning. I mean maybe he’s a little down here and there and I cheer him up. But mostly we’re there for each other, with his twelve years done … clever one. I talk to him, while we’re walking and I could care if people think I’m nuts. I try to make his life great. Do you hear the birds? I know it’s a rainy day but rain is water from the sky is good for the trees and flowers. Do you like the Sun, Chipper? Do you like Spring? It’s snowing, Chipper! Let me cover you up so you’ll be cosi fan tutti. Mama likes to cover you up.
I never had nor never intended to have children because my childhood was so effed up. But I think because of Chipper that I would have been a good Mom. He knows me as Mama, not as Amy. I like that. No, I love that. I take my role seriously. I know with past marriages I have had to leave my dear cats and dogs behind me and that has been harsh on my heart. What a strange thing to say in my life. I never intended to have more than one marriage. No one does. No one says forever and doesn’t mean it.
No one wants to have been abused and effed up and confused to make effed up decisions about relationships or have multiple personalities, either. I’ve had to work through, and still am working through soooo much guilt and shame about all of that.
And not working.
I lay there in bed and just writhe. But I’m in all this pain and it makes sense because I’m in all this pain but I still feel ashamed. Go figure. My Mother trained us to always be doing something around the house, or homework. So I’m restless. So I meditate. Thank Buddha for giving us meditation. Ahhh. Thank you. I’m blessed to have something to do. To send my Light, anything to do, to send anything positive I have left into the world, Love outside, Love inside out … it feels productive and sometimes, honestly, don’t tell anyone, but I actually SEE Light around me. I think I’m seeing things. So don’t go too far with that. I believe in auras in stuff so maybe all that energy is going somewhere.
Shine a little light, give up on your pride … Syntax … on the radio just now. I kid you not.