And here I have continued where I started yesterday, with the darker green mix, thinned heavily with Acrylic Glaze — at first kind of vibrating the brush for unknown effects, and then ! then ! coming up with some sort of what I deem Mayan glyph-like effects. Oh, I am very excited with this. Now, with the darker, right lower portion, I will eventually lighten or we shall see, but it is of a style that is unique unto yesterday …
Counseling was very good today.
I had written something to the effect of the text below, of which it is occurring to me, the extent and impact of the totality of the abuses done unto me. Not that I don’t have good and bad days. Not that I don’t paint (see above), live and breathe and smile. But I have worked hard for a positive, Buddhist perspective, for which at the end of the session, I don’t have to feel guilty or ashamed. Ahem.
1) abuse began early, during developmental stages, continued until puberty/age 14
2) family members and family friends — trusted
3) number, multiplicity — extent of abusers
4) number of years, number of incidents over the years
5) types of abuse ran the gamut (sodomy, intercourse, torture, bondage, bisexual)
also, all my life before menopause, I forcibly repressed somehow all of these alters, and we are NOT able to get them to go back down now — whenever we try to even discuss control, even as I write this, I get dizzy — when we discuss that, I get sharp headaches, nausea, dizziness, and severe dissociation and lose the ability to speak clearly —
when I worked for the last four years full-time, it was increasingly a matter of force to get myself to get to and stay at work, same thing at the full-time jobs prior to that — the alters, even with heavy medication, were so resistant and very actively revolting —
control is not an option
I hope that makes sense, it being from an email I sent to my attorney and copied to my counselor and Jason. It is so intense I edited it only lightly. Hello.
I called the attorney today and he was just getting ready to check on the status of the not sure of the name of this, on record, decision ? or decision without a hearing request that he filed two weeks ago with the four page letter from my counselor. We do have a hearing date now set for September, early, but we are hoping, even though we feel positive about that as well, to not have a hearing.
Now for two things, 1) revisions to Jason’s resume, and 2) warming up and singing for The Whale Swallowed Me … wish me luck for a good vocal! Then I must rest heartily — double hip bursitis since 3 am — very bad today — ! argh —