Rage III – I

DSC_4559Here I have mixed the darkest green mix with Mars Black and Acrylic Glaze, to match the darker areas in the foto. I won’t show you the foto, because it is seriously right-protected, although I am straying from it greatly. It is a most lovely image, I must say, but my shapes are my own. I just needed someplace to start with my placements, and definitely for my colors! Every jungle is unique in its colors and foliage.

Then I mixed a new lime (!) you know how I love lime (!) with my least favorite green, Permanent Green Light (well, Viridian is really my least favorite, truth be known, but they have their place in my world), just a smidge, with a whole LOT of Hansa Yellow Medium and had the resulting great LIME. Yes, oh yes! Sigh of pleasure.

Now I’m not done painting with either color; this is just the beginning.

Painting on acid-free foam core is soooo different from canvas, but I have no choice — I’m out of canvas, so I am into the Rage Series, and no worries, it is time.

Although it is a serious process … quite the frown I was painting with …

And the headache all day … a very sensitive fascia or sommat on the right side of my head when I was shampooing this morning in the BATH, mind you, that is good, the BATH, but I did a little pressure point massage around THAT. I think due to stress — although I did sleep very well overnight. My hips started making me flip over and over about three am, but I tell you that was nothing compared to the past two nights? with the muscle spasm? I slept fine. Bah. Comparatively little pain, the hip bursitis.

Counseling was good. We went over the sketch and related memories surrounding it. She was amazed at how much the abuser planned out the abuse and the word “evil” and “torture” were used several times. I was so worried and felt so badly for all the fish, for it was not only one goldfish. I can’t get into it, though. This was over a long period of time, and the abuser was definitely much older than me, old enough to know better, for sure.

What was I for, as a person, I wonder, to the abuser? as a human being? And I have to laugh, as the abuser later wondered as I cut off relations, as if none of this abuse mattered — all in the past? The abuser sacrificed the future relationship. All of it makes me sad. And angry of course.

My counselor suggests that I write a letter to the abuser and my jaw drops. For real? She really meant for real, at first. I have no trust in any of my abusers. They set off my own demons without any letters going off to them, much less sending off any letters full of anything at all to them, even with no expectations of return. She realized that and then we decided that I would write a letter for each abuser as I did their painting.

Sigh.

I hate the task, really. I could write, eff you eff you eff you and be done, right? But I want to write a letter that is more about the whole relationship. More about this sacrifice that the abuser made, whether or not they realize the dirty deal they made with the future. More of this, what was I for, ultimately — can you treat me this badly for years and then … like dirt and expect trust, honor, respect, unconditional love … later on? Why? Just because it’s “Water under the bridge?” I don’t think so.

So, I’ve a letter to write, by hand, because it makes it more real. Bah.

Feeling a lot less like a zombie today. But definitely spacey. Physical pain in the back is moderate, and in the neck as well, kinda achey all over, stress and fatigue. Will prolly take another day or two to get me right again. Swimming felt so damned good, tho. It will be a while before I get back in again, and no three laps, eh?

Going to rest for an hour and then make stir fry for us. Yay!

Gotta run … rest. 🙂

About amyjacksoncc

I am a professional artist, writer and musician creating from my home studio. To view my artwork, visit http://www.amyjackson.cc
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s