Rage III – IV

DSC_4569This is how the painting looks now. I painted exclusively in the dark green today.

I had the best real cry for the first time in like years. in session today. my counselor asked if she could sit beside me and put her arm around me for comfort and I said yes. I suddenly realized I couldn’t cry during any of the abuse, any of it. I was too tough then. Afraid they would treat me worse if I had. Or in front of Mama. I found some really deep tears in there. I’m not screaming obscenities but I wanted to scream. My counselor for the first time today this particular abuser, the one for the painting above, was a sociopath, had no empathy. I know he blew at least three things up outside the house: the high school lab, a pond, and the side of a candy store — all planned. Then there was me, all planned. I broke but didn’t cry all that time. It felt good to cry today.  Also, I realized that something really pure and good, like as clean as water, and just as slippy and strong, survived. You’re a butterfly, she said. I laughed. Okay, I said.

I painted today, kind of choppily.

Now, there are biscuits in the oven. I have to go, really. Eggs to scramble. … Take care …

 

About amyjacksoncc

I am a professional artist, writer and musician creating from my home studio. To view my artwork, visit http://www.amyjackson.cc
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