You know, what did I do today? I don’t rightly recall. Hmmm. I painted with a tiny brush in red first. Ahh, that’s right … Then, I did Jungle hieroglyphs and other foliage in darkest green mix. I covered over said glyphs in the middle because they were distracting me, with darkest green.
And then I was done.
Not as tired today but still very fatigued and have significant back pain. I can tell I had back surgery, but it is getting better and better.
Slept well, with fun dreams.
Flashbacks and sense memories in my mouth are quite distracting and disturbing. I am very spaced out and not capable of much, really. I drift in and out of my Self. Who’s that? I couldn’t tell you. The Beatles are playing on Radio Paradise and that isn’t helping matters at all.
In counseling we went over the three emails of new memories I have had since Friday. Bah. … … … The feelings of sickening disgust and feeling used. … and I had quite a bit of anger to start. … then we went into the scene of me having to eat things because I was being punished for biting one of my abusers and how would I creatively change the outcome of that scene if I could and immediately …
I would call the Fire Department she said (sense memories very strong now, bah) and turn on the water hose and hose them out of the house and down the street, into the woods and into the MUD!
Meanwhile, the girl of me, the girls of me would be curled up with big me(s) and be comforted — I feel RAW, she(s) said — and that was like I had been burned all over, had no skin — was bruised all over, she said — so I held her, hold her still — while the fireman (I like firemen, she said) keep them down down down there — gone —
been set free — say The Church, like a real Reptile — on the radio now —
so when we came out of that trance it was like 45 minutes into session and I was no where near able to drive — whoa non!
so we talked about the whole hyperventilation thing — yes, my counselor said, that is classic — to stop hyperventilation — then, suddenly I remembered! I was crying so hard I had been hyperventilating and my brother got the brown paper bag for me to breathe into until I stopped. That was during nap time in first grade. It all made sense. And then I had stopped crying in nap time after that and my teacher had gotten curious about the whole thing. But what could she do?
No writing today. No gumption in my writer’s gut. I pull up the file and look at the page and my stomach wrenches. Not good. Another day. Right?
Time to lay down with Chipper and Lambie and meditate again.
Oh and my counselor said not to start Rage IV yet … she doesn’t see me again until next Tuesday because of the holiday. Prepare yourself for lovely garden photos and word counts, okay? Rage IV, I promise you, is a wealth of processing. Bleah. However, I do feel that I have vetted a great deal of schmechehnzee from my inner folds of schmechenzeezzzeeesszz in the past week of days however we are counting time these nows. a days … time is very weird for me is it not?
I mentioned for example how I typically dissociate when sunbathing, like everyone else does, I said and my counselor shook her head. Non? Non, she said. Oh. I totally lose it in the Sun. Where and what is the body? The Sun? I get very confused. Time? Same difference. Just a teeny example.
Roads are the same, behind the wheel. Everything is so smooth and light and hypnotic, I forget that I’m driving a big hauling piece of major equipment there, lovely Bee that she is, I could do some major damage there. So I have to be careful there. And I am. But this is a major example.
Enough said for the day. Love you all and spreading the love I h0pe you are … hee … spark!