Grand Canyon I – III

DSC_4738A good deal of progress since my last blog. I was able to paint some yesterday but it was late, and then just now finished a bit as well.

As you can see, I’m varying a good deal from the original foto, Nature, but I am looking at the foto a great great (!) deal to study the lines and colors, shadows, depths, erosion lines and forms, lights … and remain quite perplexed as to how to capture it all. So then, this is my best expression as it were, of that flow and those colors. Funny, huh? Quite challenging, I must say.

It reminds me of the various editing processes I hear of in the book I’m reading about the conversations with twenty-five American poets — what to keep, what to allow, sound, form, line breaks, etc. I’m absorbing it all voraciously but can’t begin to spout it all back to you by poet, for example. It’s all inside of me and believe me, my poet KNOWS. Hee.

My artist/painter/photographer what have you has also been listening. There is something intuitive about editing yourself as you go along. What you listen to when you make decisions as an artist, yes, do that. Stop doing that. Go deh.

I mixed so many colors I can’t tell you at this point. It is a mix of the same that I’ve been working with from the last recounting: Burnt Umber, Prussian Blue, Naples Yellow, and Neutral Gray except that now I’ve added Burnt Sienna, Red Oxide and Zinc White. I even mixed on canvas today, something I rarely allow myself to do!

I’ve been depressed again, moving so slowly, from flashbacks so frequent that I move like a tortoise. It takes so long to get ready. Was almost knocked down by a flashback while looking at flowers yesterday morning with Chipper, thinking of the South. Left the keys in the door this morning, only to have a friendly neighbor knock for us loudly until we came and got them! Scary. I had dissociated again upon entering the door.

I do in fact have the SSI/SSDI hearing to attend on September 6, I found out yesterday afternoon. It is almost all I think about. It is so significant an event in my life! I have to just be as patient with the time as I can be. That is all. The time will come and go. I will prep one day that week with my attorney, thankfully. Your good wishes are most welcome.

Haven’t slept well at all this week. Lots of family nightmares started last Sunday night. Hello. Had to take an extra Lunesta last night upon Jason’s offer. It helped me get right to sleep. 

Nora Jones and Miles Davis had almost helped me wear out my IPod battery by then. Heh.

Have been also struggling with the remainder with the sinus and chest cold and associated achies, back pain and hand and knee pain. Heh — ha! so that gets me kind of down — 

That being said I’m still kind of Zen for being so down and zombie like from all the counseling work we’ve been doing. 

Apparently it is common for artists and musicians, writers and politicians to get thisaway — the existential depression.

I’m not so worried about making my mark on the universe. Or saving the world. Used to be. I worry about the world a great deal, but I don’t obsess the way I used to. Now I meditate and sign petitions, etc. Becoming a Buddhist has helped me see time differently, from a less rushed perspective. But I still know there is an incredible urgency to global warming, for example. Sigh.

I do what I can and then I am only one person and I have to let it go.

My concern, as is similar to others in the article, is a sense of isolation. Like do people get me, get my weird jokes? my perspective? ultimately? However, the older I get, the less this concerns me, even. Still, there is a sadness there that is incredibly old… I have since being a little girl felt like a very old soul … you know what I mean? 

My other concern as is similar to others in the article is my limitations, especially as it relates to multifaceted giftedness. I am physically and emotionally and mentally limited in my ability to express myself and my talents — by my somewhat broken body — by my definitely broken mind — and by my broken heart — and by the limitations of time itself. 

So I do what I can to do my best each day to create what I can given my limitations. I can’t sit or stand or be UP for very long but when I am it’s quality time, interrupted as it is with stuff, with flashbacks, etc. 

Bah.

I do what I can.

A friend commented after reading my blog that I don’t sound very happy, and I just mentioned that I’m depressed right now. Well, overall, I’m in a better period in these years than in years — past — psychotic years — years when I was in obsessive loops — suicidal years — you know, it could always be worse — 

I am doing my best and enjoying life where I can. That is the best I can do right now, in any given moment. 

It’s sunny again today for the first time in about a week, will be sunny again tomorrow and we will go for a walk and feed the animoges … (ducks, geese, turtles — that’s my made up word for animals). It ain’t all bad, eh?

Today we went to the orchard and brought back lovelies, filling the home with smells of fresh peaches and apples. Piles of fruit for lunch. You don’t think of August as being Abundant Harvest Time but it is still Summer here …

the crickets are so sweet and dreamy singing … the cicadas are almost gone, because it’s not as hot …

I fantasized today about wearing tons of white in September, white jeans and whatnot — hee

I received Art in America‘s guide to galleries, etc. yesterday and had to get out the reading glass to see the ones near me … but maybe something good will come of exploring the fine print …

and I’ll mail tomorrow the two reference letters I received from my two industrial photo sites in Nashville to the mid-Atlantic site I crave to photograph here in MD — with a cover letter — fingers crossed —

and that is all —

🙂

 

 

About amyjacksoncc

I am a professional artist, writer and musician creating from my home studio. To view my artwork, visit http://www.amyjackson.cc
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