Ready to Live XIV – V

DSC_4787Now I have completed the lower section, with some tiny tweaking remaining to do, which I will finish tomorrow, while the mixes for this are still workable. They were quite sticky today, mind you. Agh!

The style reminds me of the camouflage for the WWII ships or something? But also, when I look at the foto of mine, I see this energy and movement. Somehow.

Woke up depressed. Emotionally and in physical pain. Hardly could move. Finally, at 10 am, still working on getting ready for walkies, I took some pain meds. Kind of helped? Bah. This depression happens. Had a rough night of nightmares and lots of tense, painful flipping, finally having no good side to which to flip, but no gumption to truly fully wake and get pain meds during the night. Trying to tough it out? I guess. I mean, it seems like I would be endlessly on pain meds if I started doing that again? Ida know. It seems.

That being said, I did thoroughly enjoy my sleepy walkies and painting, although I did whine from pain and grunt like some kind of minor (!) athlete working out here and there. Hardly the noiseless artist, I also talk to myself during painting, You see, I need to paint a straight line here, I can’t paint into this color because there isn’t any left, I can fix that, etc.

I remember seeing some car design commercial, possibly Japanese, growing up, and looking up to my father and saying, I wish I could do that, about the ability of the designer’s hand to paint a straight red line. He said, You can do that. No, I can’t, I said. He laughed. One day you might be able to, he said.

And now, for the time being, straight lines ARE rather easy to paint … although when I started painting this morning, my hands were shaking so much, I wondered … and wondered again for how long I will be able to paint the way and what I want to paint.

I am very aware of my limitations, but I push them, in some ways, and then I hit the wall, and lay me down.

It’s weird my counselor being in Germany for two or three weeks, right? And me being so depressed. I mean, I’m okay, but I can’t go and talk with her about it tomorrow mid-day per usual. I was just wondering yesterday about going once a week or something but what would I do? I’m so used to the professional support. Maybe I need to be more independent, maybe I need the support. Ida know. But maybe I’ll find out over the next few weeks. Eep!

So very tired, dears, but looking forward to the weekend, and tomorrow, for on Friday we record my background vocal for a Greg Brown song, Spring Song — and on Saturday and Sunday, more in-house recording — and a much-needed haircut for moi. Hooray.

A lot of flashbacks today, which really threw me especially — about whether or not I was to go to the local private school, Darlington, and memories associated with that.

Head mushy and pulsy, just need to rest guys. Enjoy these last days of Summer, perhaps by watching the oldest 1938 or so black and white version of Midsummer Night’s Dream? OH yes, sweeties … faeries and all …




About amyjacksoncc

I am a professional artist, writer and musician creating from my home studio. To view my artwork, visit
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