Maybe you can see that I’ve used a tiny round brush here and added all sorts of depth and highlight? I went into each dark place and added the opposite dark color as well. I also extended the bright places languorously …
I think next up is the uppermost cloud section, to go deep and dark in the center as it does in the original foto.
Had an absolutely lovely Sunday, but was too worn out to paint or post of course.
Yesterday … Yesterday? was in an awful lot of back and shoulder blade pain and didn’t paint.
and then had memory flooding at night with a circuit of three separate loops of memories from different time periods, with one of them resulting in new memories which were rather shocking to me. Didn’t get to sleep until four am, even though I took another Lunesta with Jason’s permission at 1:40 or something.
Lots and lots of pain.
Spirits somehow holding up somewhere inside. Bits and pieces, of them, I would say.
Met for brief lunch with dear friend and didn’t mention any of this but just listened and caught up a bit here and there on my end.
Rested and did a much-needed light load of laundry, needed the white shirts and socks, don’t you know … and then felt the urge to paint … with the tiny brush, again.
The book is helping, but it is hard to describe how. Very. It is brilliant, and paradoxical, as any good therapy session or Buddhist text should be. I’m left a bit speechless, more than normal.
Pain is not a punishment and pleasure is not a reward is a basic tenet, it says about pain, of Buddhist belief.
For karma, right. I don’t deserve the pain in, right, but it’s there to teach me, just enough, not more than I can handle, and it is there to teach me … something … to be strong … I guess. Still trying to figure out my lessons, don’t you know. Everyone is in pain of some sort, some may think they are in more than others I guess. Some have more compassion than others and everyone deserves compassion and TLC.
I do my best to give compassion to myself and others. The book says pain helps us understand the suffering of others. To be empathetic. But I’ve found people don’t really like it when you empathize so much. They feel like I’m here now in my pain and it’s more real than anything you’ve ever felt. They like for you just to listen and not advise. I need to stop advising. I think.
It’s just that I’ve been and am going through a heck of a lot and I try to be helpful and I guess I can be a bit too wonky about it — Miss Martha don’t you know and people get tired of it.
Maybe I wish someone had been there for me, and people were there for me but there was an awful lot of detail(s) I had to learn on my own. Just simple simple things. Comforting things, and still do.
Just breathe. Make a pot of tea, pull the comforter tight around you, and of course I have a tiny stuffed animal called Lamby and Jason and Chipper. and an Ipod with Nature noises and Ludovico Einaudi and meditation skills …
which go to naught with flashback flooding so hold on tight but still those are good things to know about and hold on to just the same
tomorrow I have two appointments back to back — the spine surgeon — which is a huge relief for information about these fricking painful grinding screws in the left side of my back, and for more Percocet of which I have the one left, for tomorrow, mind you
and counseling, which got moved to tomorrow, which is also much-looked-forward to for the new memories and something new I’ve heard of (new to me) called neurofeedback — ? — I forwarded lots of deets on it to my counselor and my case may be too fragmented and fraught for it to work — we don’t know yet and it’s not covered by insurance anyway — lots of questions yet — but after last night … well, I’m even more interested in trying, in looking into it —
the weather is spiking up warmly for a bit for the kids for Halloween and then thankfully chilling down again for the weekend — yay!
i decided today that trees make the best wind chimes, as I watched and listened to a Sycamore with its drying leaves, and goodness knows I love the sound of the wind in the trees all Summer
I also stood and admired the most beautiful Maple tree today, orange on the inside and red without — simply glowing —