December 21 Check-in …

I must apologize for how far away I have been lately but, alas, my computer has been far away from ME.

Now, I am happy to report, my computer is home, safe and sound. The shell, and the data that made it cross the bridge into the new drives safely, that is. I lost both the hard drives I went in with, so it must have been the nick of time to upgrade the computer, eh?

I will still need to spend about $500 to retrieve the data from the former “video” drive that served as my backup drive and held the agricultural documentary. Now, thankfully, before that happens, I did have another backup on a wee external drive, of my high resolution images of paintings and photographs. Like, the only copies of my digital photographs, since I’m not on 35 mm film anymore with some of them, going forward. How scary that all is, eh? But nothing was lost, just very very SERIOUS, and the wait was killing me. AGH.

Because the photo for the next painting was sitting among all that saved data, my novel, anything I could do to express myself.

Let’s just say I’ve done an awful lot of processing on those memories.

What is new in my world is that the alters don’t just tap on my shoulder anymore, saying that they have info for me, asking if they can kind of hang out for some TLC in the background of the older host and adult alters’ environment. They are just coming up and being. Wha?

So things are very surreal. Like indescribably so. Like overlaying the decades before eyes into now and not making sense or picking up a child from the early seventies and letting her look out the window at the trees and power lines and fields and people and such. effed up. They do okay but sometimes screw up verbally or stare. oops.

I told my counselor yesterday and she made a note. Hmmm. This did not seem to be a change that phased her like it does me. It is significant for me, so I will be bringing it up again. She does not live it like I do.

She also thinks it’s because of Christmas triggering everything right and left, and also says I’m officially depressed, difficulty functioning, loss of appetite, mood, etc.

That being said I am most excited about the celebrations themselves, and can hardly wait for them to get here — everything has been about waiting lately — hee — and also about the New Year — the possibilities and opportunities. So much I am about to burst.

So figure that one out. It is a paradox. Both/and. I think it is supposed to make sense in a Buddhist world and a DID world, and I am working on the collage of it internally. It’s kind of like accepting the whole of the world and going, yeah, I can dig it. Remember that?

Also, I heard something from The Rolling Stones’ album Let it Bleed album the other day on Radio Paradise and it all came back to me, the whole time period of that album and what Let it Bleed meant then.

It’s kind of like that. Let it Bleed. Let it Be. It will be. It is. But not completely a passive approach. I know that would drive me nuts. To observe, to understand, and to act. All in moderation.

But Let it Bleed was just … like sometimes the Earth and the body know best, they have to vet themselves … there are cycles we don’t understand. Sometimes things are out of our hands.

I believe in meditation and action for world change nonetheless and will keep signing petitions, etc. I’m not giving up, but there is this sense that of course the whole thing is more than me. Of surrender. Let it be. 🙂

About amyjacksoncc

I am a professional artist, writer and musician creating from my home studio. To view my artwork, visit http://www.amyjackson.cc
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