Finished Dawn of the Senses by Alberto Blanco today, with a stunning poem … truly … one I definitely want to include in the novel: Stone Psalm.
It teaches about the inner stillness of well, stones and rocks … which you have to read the poem’s imagery to get nicely and thoroughly. I so needed to hear that in the waiting room at the counselor’s office, and for that the be the end of the book.
I had meditated this morning and realized that, after such a week of stillness, I still had trouble feeling safe in the bed just breathing and would either scratch my head or bite my lip, or try to break the peace with some sort of internal hitting of some sort.
I think this is very related to my anger and losing my ability to control my nervous system so many times during the abuses. The PTSD, but in my case, Ida know something more. Extreme.
But you know everyone has trouble being still, right? I don’t know that they bite their finger or try to hit the internal space tho. That’s what I want to try to moderate.
See, I still get flashbacks and emotions, and the realization, that like most folks, it kind of hurts to be alive. I mean I also feel happy and joyful, but there is a lot of bittersweet.
So I’m meditating and working it out, trying to balance it out.
But this feeling safe inside of myself, that is a big goal.
We also went over the journalling that I had done and I’m afraid the journal I found for the past/old anger/rage is the smallest journal possible in the world. Just randomly. My counselor got a big laugh at that, and then in that journal, what are my first words, but about almost impossibly hard it is to fit any of my rage through the little point of a pen ???
but I’m to keep journalling and journalling
the prints for the NYC show have been made and are now at the framer’s … so in a few days or so I’ll go and sign the mats — so exciting!
… time to rest now, and to begin to read my next book, Some Lessons in Metaphysics, by Jose Ortega y Gasset … Happy Friday! …