Vietnam Jungle IV – IXX

DSC_5045Whoa, babydoll, now we’re getting some texture, and color, and ? lyricism. Yes. Today I painted solely in Sap Green, to give added depth down the center and to the far left and mid-left of the piece.

Who knows what of this initial work I will keep, similar to the last painting? wild layers that will have more wild, watery layers added to them. But I think fewer layers in this one, for I love the translucency of these first ones, and may only add a few key lines here and there to balance the thing.

?

We went to the framers this morning and I signed all the mats. Got up late last night and made a quick Powerpoint of the eight images in the show, so that this morning I could write the filenames down from the computer onto the printout. So I could label the mats. So complex, eh? So very scary to write neatly on the mats and put my John Hancock on there, and it varies each time, sometimes with the middle initial, sometimes not. Sigh. Ida know from why.

Anyhoo, that went fine ultimately and the prints are marvelous. Silky, shimmery, luscious, fascinating, glowing. Everything I wanted.

To see them framed — wow. To see them in the gallery, however the director chooses to display and light them — a delight, to be sure. Go deh. πŸ™‚

If you want.

πŸ™‚

And then we came home and I started painting and Jason went to get groceries, then I put my back brace on and put away old food to the trash just so and put the new food in just so.

Continued painting …

and now to rest, because my arms are shaking.

That being said, for the past days since my massage on Saturday, only my neck crick has returned. My back has not been cramping up so much, so something is right again there.

And I’m feeling really strong with the yoga, doing that first thing this morning with the added poses here and there.

Even so, I’m still catching up on rest from taking Chipper out so many nights over night and not being on my regular sleep cycle last week. That won’t take too long to correct.

On the emotional front, I have had a watershed moment today, of sorts, in my inner world. I realized that no one, inside or outside, me nor anyone else, is hurting me.

See, last week without Jason was like a retreat of sorts, unintentionally. I was able to reach that point of realization — that I didn’t feel safe inside yet — YET! gah! last Thursday I think I blogged about it.

And that got me to working on the cognitive underpinnings of all of that noodle.

noodles, to be exact …

loop loop loop and to find out that today I thought, no, I FELT as though I was still needing to put up a defense and act out inside somehow, in the perfect silence of last week even, much less add ANY triggers or anything anything at all — LIFE

PAST stuff, right? so intense that they hurt me so much so deeply and over so much of my developmental years/LIFE — that I was still reacting to it — I shiver right now — in reaction and want to strike out internally — like think the word Slap but I’m not — it’s not extreme, right? but that much drives me to the point of wanting to change the thought pattern —

so I was talking with Jason and sent an email to my counselor and journalled in the past/old anger/rage journal about it — trying to get a handle on what NORMAL anger is about — what it feels like —

Jason said I need to vent it somehow — writing about it is good — like this even — I feel less and less as the day goes on that I need to wield something —

and believe me I have studied so much and for so long the aspects of power over versus power from within — I am totally about immanence

so I don’t want to let anger control me as part of my character — but being more assertive, knowing my boundaries — communicating, venting — I do not know this territory well, internally or out

and if I tell anger to take a time out, where does a volcano go, exactly? where does a panther go?

hmmm

silly cat

silly erupting thing

how dark am I ultimately, how bright? how is my inner world, me, going to be?

it’s like I’m determining this right now — but I don’t want to hold onto rage — what is healthy anger? gah!

so many questions for the counselor this week … hee

 

… namaste …

 

About amyjacksoncc

I am a professional artist, writer and musician creating from my home studio. To view my artwork, visit http://www.amyjackson.cc
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s