Again working in freeform, almost exclusively single pass, lyrical brush strokes, in Sap Green, I’ve gone up the mid-left of the canvas. I’ve also painted the rest of the foliage for the Sap Green area in the lower right by the two lime areas. Fun. I painted two days this week, today and … Tuesday. Harumph, but well met.
We have figured out that I was snow bound already when Chipper’s trauma (and ours) of his being injured and bleeding (significantly, you all, sorry to say it freaked me out muchly and we are still figuring out how to clean a large area in two rooms, alas) and needing emergency care, and Monday’s vet care and him being in pain over the weekend and not knowing ’til mid-day Monday what was going to be the resolution — well, that deep depression I woke up with on Monday morning and told Jason about — that lasted until this morning when I woke up with my “spark” again.
I’m still at about half spark? but I’m so running with it. I’ll take it. 🙂
This deep depression is just so, meh. Just not into anything funny, charming, adorable, life giving, wonderful, … you get the idea. Not into anything at all for five days is no fun.
Okay, and then I went to physical therapy on Wednesday and was adjusted quite professionally from the base of my skull to my tailbone, which NEEDED to be done, but I was sore without painkillers for a day and a half.
Then my psychiatrist on Thursday upped my Prozac by ten mg. But that will be a while, since I have plenty of the current dose, like a month or something. And then once I start the new dose, it will take about two weeks to feel the lift from the new dose, then a while for it to level out. Hmm.
Thankfully, for whatever reason I woke up nicely today.
I was telling Jason that it’s not that I don’t want to wake up, or live, in the morning. It startles me to see light. I wake up lots it the morning, checking the light, and snuggle back in, cool, not dawn yet, not dawn yet. Then when it’s dawn, I greet the dawn with love, love, love, then snuggle back in. I don’t want to go to bed at night, like a kid, and I don’t want to get up in the morning, like a kid. Totally like a kid. I have to check my email in the morning, then turn on Radio Paradise on the IPhone and listen to a few songs before one of them somehow gets me out. I have no idea what works.
Yesterday counseling was good, although we were both rather stumped at one point and she turned to me and said, What should we do? I mean, I know she has answers, and stuff, but ultimately is is up to me to solve this depression. So I said, The Meditation DVD draft, let’s go over that. I’ll print it right now, she said. And we went head to head on that which was quite challenging and stimulating, and I must admit, overwhelming.
We went over the cause for my diagnoses, child sexual abuse, to which I’ve added physical abuse, and my three diagnoses, external supports, and the various and sundry negative symptoms and behaviors that stem from the diagnoses. At that point it was overwhelming, because she started adding things that I kind of take for granted. Aka denial.
Like Dissociation. Numbing out. Mood swings. Trouble with coordination/walking. Anxiety and panic. Insomnia. Those are huge. I have no idea why I am in denial about dissociation. That is constant. Hmmm.
Anyway, I have like fifteen other ones listed so I’m good. Heh. Ha.
Then we switched to Behaviors and Tools with with which to Modulate Behaviors and Symptoms and it was much less overwhelming. Suddenly it was like oh, yeah, I have lots I can do, and I felt much less helpless.
In part, I credit that with today’s spark.
So there may be something to this “Meditation” DVD after all.
Maybe you already knew that.
Hey, and while I was at physical therapy, which was excruciating, btw. (Yay?) One of the aides came by and said, You meditate, right? Why do you ask? I asked. Because you’re so calm all the time, she said.