Liquids, Meds, & the Dreamcatcher

dreamcatcherYesterday it took an enormous effort to get out of the bed before dinner when the Sun was just right to take this foto of the dreamcatcher … I’m so glad I did, because today it is snowy all day … still in bed with the dratted cold that started with a deep cough before the art reception on Saturday night.

But who knew? for real … we are both down with it and as if all time has stopped

and now the snow and let sleeping dogs sleep or however it goes I like that better don’t you know

listening to the radio it helps the time pass just so

delirious as per usual when I get this bodily headily chestily sickly so

dreamland and irritable

and the monthly cycle today yo

hmm

doublewhacked

super uber bed time

read in Meditation for the Love of It this morning but can’t really tell you what but enjoyed it so

in days past emailed my counselor about finding my Mother in my heart and her judgement and criticism and cold heartedness for me in there and maybe mayhap I should finally deal with that grief and

I do know to love

to love myself

and others

but there’s a cold wind that blows in a child’s heart when the Mother grows cold for her

sorry but it’s true

she never really liked me, “I love you but I don’t LIKE you” was the famous quote later changed to WE in college

thanks, you all

hmm

part of my identity is that critical and judgemental, perfectionist and staring me down in the mirror, without a mirror in my eyes … in my heart, like do I deserve love, does anyone really? yes

yes, of course, totally

most of us, most of us, totally do, right?

surely I do, gah

but I … have a pause, in my heart because of her and so many others, abusers, effing A

so I’m on it, have a team on it — the message is in to the counselor

a bit grumpy with the cold and the heart meditations but working through

Sally Kempton the author of Meditation for the Love of It is so sweet I mean, she is love, right? at this point? she admits it takes time and isn’t all the time even for her, but she is a veritable glowing point of light compared to me with my charcoal and ember for a heart with its fits and starts and flashes and volcanics spurts and warmths for people and Nature and dogs and … and then sudden drop-offs — great —

a bird outside sings just then — we’ve thankfully, for it, provided seeds today, for it snows — good karma

well, I’ll do my best with ye olde hearte then, eh? back to resting, I can only do so much when I’m sick but it gives me something to do while I’m a layin there … heh

 

About amyjacksoncc

I am a professional artist, writer and musician creating from my home studio. To view my artwork, visit http://www.amyjackson.cc
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