This represents several days of painting as well, but although I’ve had some simple things to communicate, everything going very slowly, don’t you know … I have not blogged them until now — that the canvas is completely covered with paint.
There is much more to do, in terms of deepening, the motion, the darkness, the light, of course. The brightness, the pop, the flash. It’s just not there yet. I want to finish it now before my next monthly email update, but even then, why rush? I’ve put so much time into this one. Why hurry at the luscious end?
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Next week we are in Paris, and it is so surreal I am a walking phantom, with old sadnesses and aches. I will spring into action, however, triggered by the adrenaline of travel and Paris itself, and we will be off on our agenda. But for now I’m saving my energy and excitement. Next week will happen and it will absolutely change my life forever. That is powerful, magical, deep. I approach it with … deep breaths and rest and careful actions. Measured actions. This before that before this before this, packing, sorting, doing laundry.
I spoke with Chipper at length last night, preparing him, telling him that then we will all come home and then it will be time for Thanksgiving and Christmas! That he can come with to Thanksgiving and Christmas this year to Granma’s! But he is still focused on next week at Granma’s.
He’s not mad, he is just stressed. We had to hand feed him this afternoon to jump start him on his first meal. I cannot stress how unusual that is. They say, dogs know when you’re going somewhere. Well, of course they do. Especially when they know words on top of that and you make a point of trying to communicate logically and straight with them to ease their worried minds. Which is the whole point of teaching them words in the first place, in my mind.
So, we’re still going to go, but we are treading lightly already.
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The alters are like, astounded that we are going to Paris. I mean, this is huge in our world. I cannot express it. There is no leader among them, per usual, and it will be surreal, and like visiting the grandmother of New Orleans, or a full time Cirque du Soleil? I have no idea, and I’ve been to Europe before. Gah. I’m beyond excited.
So I’ve been assimilating the reality of the trip, starting last night, because I realized I had not really been present with the fact of it, truly in my mind. I am centered. And it’s like centering yourself for any major experience, and honestly most of the major experiences I have had have been surgeries. So it reminds me of that. How sad. Ha, so this will be fun instead!
I just know I’m getting ready to have my mind blown. More than like a billion million times. Per day. Minute Second. It’s going to go fractal and I … well, it will be impossible to describe when I’m back. But I shall do my very best. In fotos, in paintings, in … writings.
Oh la.
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Meanwhile on the fibromyalgia front, yoga is helping me tons. Still having an enormous time getting out of bed and doing ANYTHING. Also with the recurrence of major depression, bad appetite. If you can’t connect in a happy way that you’re getting ready to go to Paris? That’s fibromyalgia/depression talking.
So again with the yoga and meditation and cognitive behavioral modification to take my perspective by the hand, over and over (and over) again as if it were a child, that gently and non-judgmentally, to see that I am extraordinarily BLESSED. Oh child.
And a balance and contentment/peace is found again. I am resting a lot in that.
But walking and finding my balance is hard, especially this time of year, in the very time of shadows, is most difficult. I wouldn’t really call it vertigo, but as we know, I have shadows of my own to cope with.
It’s a multi-whammy walking down the sidewalk, wind blows in a pretty maple with burgundy green chocolate and orange — gah! and Chipper smiles and — gah! I get dizzy with three or four alters responding to all of that — and then respond to those alters with maybe one or two hosts, and then multiple alters responding — gah!
I’m truly sad about the fibromyalgia and this turning 50 is definitely a phase in my life as I go into this Winter of regular hibernation, thinking about recreating myself and my life at a much much slower pace. My art themes, my work, my health, my diet, everything, is being reexamined, as if with a slow tractor light beam scan right now, underneath everything as I’m going about my … living.
I’m mourning the loss of my even so limited activity of three months ago.
My youth, which I associate with vitality and bursting energy.
I don’t feel that now, making it hard to get out of bed.
You know the flu. The aches and pains. Ach. I’m finding with yoga and meditation a new rhythm and pulsing in my body to listen for. That is my new thermostat, as it were.
But it is a huge huge change.
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Well, I’m going to meet a friend for coffee now. So I will close.
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I will say that if I had the energy and where I am able, I would and will work for human and civil rights internationally. To expand the FREE world. To Grow it. Especially as this applies to WOMEN and CHILDREN. but for all human and living creatures … That is my quest …
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