Right? Since September of 2016, since I blogged. Well, I haven’t felt like it, I suppose, and I FB and Tweet and now Instagram, right? and I say, right? all the time? omg.
Silly me, for real. But I did want to let you know of an important development psychologically that happened week before last. I was just telling a dear friend about it while we were hiking in the Summer rain, at Radnor Lake. It was so perfect and refreshing, and invigorating. Just like healing can be. So.
With multiple personalities, they don’t go away on me. Just like jumping when I hear just about any noise at all, the PTSD doesn’t go away, either.
The personalities in the past come up and have like, tapped me on the shoulder, with intense feelings and memories, and I’ve let them in. I’ve tried various ways of responding to them, and other alters (personalities) will come up and respond as well, positively, negatively, etc.
So it’s a lot to manage, and respond to, etc. I’ve likened it to managing a playroom, since so many of the alters are children, literally, stuck in a wartime of abuse, in the 1960s or 70s. They can’t help it, so I’ve been largely compassionate, and … well, managing them. Observing everything to the best of my ability, trying not to get engaged overly in the past, but trying to let the feelings come up and out, let things go as much as possible.
That has worked well for like, ten years or more. As I’ve figured that out. But then something clicked the other day. I realized how much I and a few Motherly alters were trying to control things all the time, and how control wasn’t necessarily what I needed and/or wanted anymore/all the time. There are a series of masks that go on all the time that are associated with that level of incredible control, politeness at all times, no really everything’s all right, smiling when things hurt. Not being real. Learned behaviors that are very very old and cultural. Politeness is a virtue that goes very deep. Sharing your pain, it all depends. Mostly, it’s better to be stoic at all times.
But this was a different approach. More like being at home among my selves at all times. They didn’t have to come up to me, because I went down to them, down in the dark where I’ve made them stay down, where they’ve had to live, all this time. It was almost a political shift, personally. Internally. To allow them to be, for me to be with them, finally. To accept. To be among them.
Honestly, it’s literally like sharing space in a crowded room. Not much room at all, and some are irritable. Most are hurting about one thing or another, and I don’t blame them. There is a lot to process still. Who am I? A host of some sort. ? It gets confusing when I ask that question, and it makes me laugh.
I am fragments, pieces. but I do okay. I’m learning how to be with my selves on a day to day basis, lately. it’s much more challenging, but I’m more more capable of feeling things that are real. I might tell you I just had a flashback, or a memory, or an old feeling that doesn’t relate to now, because I can’t change those things about me. But the good news is that what is happening in my now is good.
I’m happy at home, I have a garden, and am in a healthy relationship. I’m learning about love, healing, art therapy and volunteering. I’m beginning to work a little to see if I can handle it, and it seems to be okay, but it’s the unknown, so it’s scary. I feel like I’m ready to fly from the nest, but I’m unsure.
This is the nature of disability. I’m living with it. I’m trying to heal and get beyond my limitations, but I’m not really sure how it works. I will need coaching and support going forward, a healthy support network. I am blessed to be where I am, and wanted to share with you all, that I am in a good place, a safe place. 🙂