Fragments 2 – First Layer – Dark Heart Spaces

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Now my heart is only as dark as the yin and the yang complement each other in lightness and darkness and the glass is half full. Of water.

And trying to figure out the inside of me is like trying to hold on to a piece of water and just as easy to decipher. Water is simple and hard at the same time.

It’s kind of like that. There is a system but you can’t see it and it’s slippy and it’s there but don’t look at it. So trying to paint it is super hard. Just so you know. Not sure how much congruity there will be across paintings. The code, the jungle code to be exact, is back in this one.

Inspired by a trip to the Nashville Public Library yesterday morning, a gallery of their book collection, of illustrators, including Matisse and Picasso, but also a particular color wood cut landscape only yeah big. It made me put green in my palette yesterday, a whole range of greens, really.

And beside the greens there will be blacks and reds and browns and rusts splitting, and molten, in anger and … sensitivity.

Like that.

Above to the upper left of the canvas will be the spiritual untouchable area in pinks, cloud-like I do hope. There is also a fan-like dark section to come yet in the mid left.

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Btw, Fragments 1 is Finitti. It is not beautiful. It is painful to me. I am moving on.

http://www.amyjackson.cc/paintings/fragments1.html

so I’m painting now … wish me luck! I’m going to post my progress in this thread in a few hours …

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And here you go. It’s like a complex structure or a city, but it’s like the inside of me somehow. It’s code, what have you. Do you like? hee. This is many layers, and it is not completed.

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New Industrial Fotos

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So last week I had the absolute thrill and excitement of taking industrial fotos at my beloved two sites here in Nashville, TN. See, last June I flew down here to take the fotos, and now I live here right next to them, wow. So it’s awesome. I did have to wait for the weather to be perfect, first for the heat to cool down from July to October, and then for the rain to stop and the lovely SUN to come out and stay out for the fotos. Eh? And she did.

I also tried something new this time, close-up fotos with a macro lens, and boy am I glad I did, for it opened up a whole new surface area and literal world to me.

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My focus, in the camera, the new/used D5200 Nikon I’m using that I traded for last Summer since I strained my wrists with the heavier Nikon I had before, was working so much better for me — and my eyes also were performing better for me as well, less eye strain? Less confusion and switching that I had noticed last year?

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I liberally played with the brightness and contrast feature in Photoshop and the fotos responded well, several of them getting quite jungly in response!

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Without further ado, here is the link to the full Industrial Foto section:

http://www.amyjackson.cc/photographs/photographs.html#industrial

I do hope you enjoy looking through them and that you’ll consider getting a print, especially a metallic/silver one? they are so lovely. I’m getting prints made these days locally at Chromatics.

How am I? hmm. I’m doing okay. I’m super excited about these fotos, that’s for sure, and that goes a long way.

Painting is going very slowly. I can’t decide if Fragments I is complete or not. Hmm.

Wrote a lot on the treatment screenplay for the first film of three for Rebekah’s Closet: Fugue’s Alert last week. It’s coming along fairly well in Word now. Hoping to get the Final Draft software now that it is only around 99 dollars instead of 250?

Emotionally going through a lot from old processing. My counselor is wanting to talk to the alters, which actually she does all the time of course, but to go more deeply into the psyche. So this Friday will be interesting. She asked me to journal about how they are … controlled, how they work, and I did and sent it to her yesterday for preparation, kind of like pressure points for her to plan in advance. Driving anywhere for anything is already a challenge, so I have to get wrapped back up in order to drive home from the appointment. That is a big concern, you know.

Physically, a lot of aches and pains, due to Fibromyalgia, not walking as much lately due to not having Chipper and my two walk buddies being busy and … it not being safe to really walk alone here. And I had a cold. Bah. But I’m hanging in. Doing Yoga daily and as needed to get my bones aligned. It is the best med.

Loving the seasons changing and getting into my er, massive, scarf collection. Hee. Scarves are so expressive and cheerful. I seem to collect them? Yes? There are worse things.

So very much hoping Biden joins this race.

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Fragments I – Process II – Pizza Dough Recipe

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I’ve continued to paint, first in the charcoal regions, which to me represent my depressive states. ARgh.

Such as they are. Below my belly, in my head.

That black area remains gripping my torso.

The soft areas for some time gained some mouths and such soft things, but then, blood rushed through them. I need to detail them up much better, for they are not. They were done some what in a rush, in a draft format. Alas. Haven’t painted in some many days since then.

Screenplay required some upgrades of software and things and is FOUND and working, exporting to my friend’s software, Final Draft. whee. This is great news. I have only saved it, and have not worked on it, having had that major coup, and a rest.

Not feeling well physically and emotionally, well, coming along in fits and starts. can’t tell you all that is going on … but just know that I am doing my best.

made pizza dough from scratch tonight for the first time from a recipe given to me first by a dear friend now living in Italy and her dream … creating her own music singing to her guitar around Europe. woo.

and remembered and given to me then via text by Jason. so … here it is

Pizza Dough Recipe (add Herbs)

1.5 cups wheat flour
1.5 cups white flour
1 cup room temperature water
1 tbsp. honey
1.5 or more tbsp. dry active yeast
1/4 cup olive oil

Pinch or more of salt
pinch or more of cracked black pepper
rosemary and other dried herbs to taste

Add honey to water and dissolve. Add yeast to water and let bloom.

Add pinch of salt to flour (I added 1/4 tsp.). I also added 1/4 tsp. cracked black pepper, 1 tbsp. dried herbs (rosemary, sage, basil, oregano, thyme). Stir dry mix. Add water/yeast/honey mix to mixing bowl and turn on mixer with dough hook. Add 1/4 cup oil. Use mixer with dough hook to mix until blended to form ball of dough on hook.

Let rise for up to an hour, covered in bowl with tea cloth. Punch down. Let rise again for 45 minutes, then is ready to roll out onto pizza stone or pan. Add sauce and toppings from there …

It was so … good. The pizza stone cooked the pizza evenly and it did not stick to the stone. It was crisp and herby with the sauce I had augmented with the same garden herb mix, fresh mushrooms, and black olives, cheese. so simple.

I posted the Pope’s speech to Congress. Hallelu. He is awesome. I hope many heard what he said. I am still learning from him. It. He rocks my world. The world. Peace and Service. Namaste.

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Fragments I – Process

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In the past week, I have slowly been processing and writing about the new series Fragments. I am thinking, How can I express the pain of my Dissociative Identity Disorder, the horrible acts of abuse that made me split in the first place? It’s not beautiful. As an artist I strive to make things beautiful, though. So this is truly a struggle for me.

I have already painted and painted over, a layer of extremely scary stuff, which I showed a friend. I saw vintage holiday stuff. She saw “a very angry man.”

That section is and will continue to be, I think, blacked out for me. Like the hole in the pit of my stomach, my gut, my solar plexus? Raw, bleah, almost nausea? Like, not believing in? something. something.

Now as a Buddhist, as a human, I love now, I trust now. But there was a time several decades ago where I lost my sense of feelings and love and trust. It was just awful for everyone.

I painted these  clear sections defined by red, intense red, to delineate states of being, alters or personalities, right? and black could be depression. The gray/black zones, despair. The softer pink zones are where I am more tender and can feel intimate, vulnerable. It switches though, quickly, from one to another. You see? and it is sharp. Not cloudy. It is hard for me to express visually but I’m trying.

As my first attempt, I have already wanted to ditch the red lines and paint something mountainous and emotional. To paint something green and jungly and drippy. Something with wormholes and … you see?

This is just the beginning of something very big for me.

Today is a very hard day for me. I’m on the verge of my monthly cycle so my hormones are ignoring my medication and I’m wildly irritable. Also, they’re working on the farmhouse to prepare it for sale upstairs, sawing and hammering, and the dogs in the bag are barking lots. I have frenetic jazz, Miles Davis, going at the same time. agh. reaching out to friends is helping but I don’t feel like talking, just typing. Looking forward to counseling on Friday. Walking with a friend tomorrow.

Scream.

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It is so incredibly beautiful today. I’m used to my medication taking care of things for me. Poor me. Ha. Breathe Amy, breathe, and this day will pass as any other and tomorrow will be a new one, possibly better. I am blessed.

I feel like curling up in a ball and painting.

Oh, and my 189 page screenplay is temporarily lost. Adobe Story is looking for it for me as we speak? Please wish them luck as a) I spent a good 2 years on that? and b) I just decided with my collaborator to make it into a trilogy? omg

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Some days there aren’t enough curse words. I feel like writing on FB: Please hug me lots. Rutro. ha.

ha. over and out. Tomorrow will be better. thank you for listening!!

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Viet-Nam War Series Finitti, Earth Painting Finitti … Hooray!

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http://www.amyjackson.cc/paintings/vietnamwar10.html

It is with an enormous amount of relief and clarity that I bring closure to the Viet-Nam series. I do strongly suggest that you stop reading my blog here, click the link above a) for a much bigger and better view of the new painting? and b) for the words and thoughts that do go along with it and the very culmination of the series. Alas. Please do so. I will wait here.

Okay. So I do hope you see what a painting of our very dear planet Earth, where we all live as ONE has to do with war, world war, ending war ultimately, changing our priorities to things like climate control, infrastructure, education, solar and wind energy and the like? ending poverty? yes. It is so doable, we should. There. I’ve said it. We can do this, people.

Now, to the finishing of this painting, I must say I approached it today with a great deal of fear and trepidation. If those aren’t the same thing, I wanted to use the word trepidation. Alas. Anyhoo. Below is some very bad geography for the continents of North and South America, which are the center of this EPIC foto which I chose to paint, from NASA. Sorry you all, it really didn’t matter what they looked like, because in the foto, they are blurred by clouds, so, I didn’t really worry, and giggled much. A lot. Actually. But I share this step with you. Note please the very special dot of Cobalt Blue, a waning tube of which I have kept (you can buy Teal now but not Cobalt Teal from Golden), for the Caribbean. Hooray.

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For any level of depth and texture to exist, I used three colors on the Earth: a gentle gray mix, a Titan Buff/Titanium White mix, and a “pure” Titanium White straight from the tube. I did use Acrylic Glazing liquid, finishing off a heavy duty bottle forthwith, adieu! that has seen me through years of paintings! — about two quarters’ worth?

Below is the first layer of the soft gray, with one of the tiny round brushes. I’m twisting the brushes a lot, to get this random swirly effect. I like it a lot, and think I learned how to do this effectively, to let go and let brush, yet still maintain some level of observance/control? during the Viet-Nam Jungle series.

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Now here I’ve added with a larger “tiny” round brush a good layer of the cream or Titan Buff/white … but it needs more … I’m starting to get the sense of the painting, though …
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And here is almost to the end of the painting, where I’ve begun balancing out depth and contrast, light and dark, with a soft gray layer over white and cream layers.
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Turns out, I made a huge “mistake” in the middle left of the painting that came to be a lovely swirl in the end. It just goes to show that you have to keep your mind open, and stay awake to the process. Keep aware of your medium and what it does.

I tried to add the blue of the ocean in over a white dot. It sounds simple enough but it was very transparent and looked horrible and out of place. My quick attempts at fixing it with either tiny round brush just turned out to be bluish whitish arghs. ARGH. Indeed. So. I wiped off both brushes quite heartily and then daubed the bigger of the two with a great deal of white and went for it. That is what you see now in the left middle. The end. Ta-dah!

Okay. Now the series is complete and I do feel so refreshed and that it was totally cathartic. As I’ve said before I do believe in a strong defense. That people need more than a free economy. I believe freedom is worth speaking out for around the world and that diplomacy is far better than bullying. We don’t get anywhere through bullying. Bah. Enough said.

As far as what I’ll get into painting next? Deep breath. I have these two sketches from 2004 and inspirations abound, for sensual abstract color studies in a large format, same size canvas but broad shapes, drippy within, perhaps? Broad shapes are too quick and easy to paint for me. I need more of a challenge. But the colors that came out in the Hell on Earth series are similar to my industrial fotos and I want to paint in some of those colors again, and others, hmmm. So we shall see.

Speaking of industrial fotos, it is almost cooled down enough for me to venture out and take more locally. Stay tuned, dears. Whee!

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Viet-Nam 10 – Peace on Earth – 2 and 3

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Above are the latest two layers of my attempt at an Earth blue ocean mix. It was quite fun to mix several of four blues on hand, which will remain SECRET. ha. Just for fun.

The first layer, although quite ethereal, needed another, to get to the thicker, more matte look of the actual thick ocean we have on Earth. Alas.

I also added dimension with the brush at the end, a circumference, if you will. And stuff.

For the first layer I used a very large, one inch wide bright brush. For the latter I used at the spur of the moment, and quite thrilled that I did, for it was a breathtaking experience, a dream of a painting moment as it were, a very large fan brush. Aha!

I rested for about an hour between layers, and that was really no fun. Quite. Flashbacks, et. al.

Now this must dry.

Maybe more work on the screenplay? I did at some point today make it through a major attack scene in Paris. and now the denouement, the healing and to the renovation, the rejuvenation and transformation layers of the play.

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Viet-Nam 10 – Peace on Earth — I

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It was a blast really, mixing up the Prussian Blue (my favorite blue next to Cobalt) and Mars Black, with a good smidge of Acrylic Glaze — and liberally painting infinity, space, in long and short ocean-like waves, then smoothing it in, hiding my brushstrokes for the most part. There is an ergonomic wave left over the Earth, as if a wave of wind is passing over it. I couldn’t resist it.

You can see with the naked eye, bits of Prussian Blue here and there. I did not completely mix the blue with the black, for this very reason.

Today I’m studying the peculiar and very unique shade of Earth’s ocean blue. It will take some doing to match that with my special Earth blue mix. I will paint in the Earth with that first, then let it dry, then paint in the details, sans sketch, free brush, if you will. I am very excited, and very humbled, very in awe of this task before me.

Not sure about stars, after all? they may make this look rather cheesy? hmm we shall see.

I grasp at Summer in my all white tee and shorts today. It is hazy and humid, sunny and overcast, cicadas and a cave cricket in the restroom scared me right out of there I tell you for it is insect dominion time. I did not kill it or advance upon it. I know better with those damned cave crickets, for they are aggressive. My hope is it will leave of its own accord. Meh.

But looking out the windows, the cardinals are still chasing each other, post empty nest, how dear. I see wrens in the tall shrubbery right outside and blue jays starkly cry. For now the crows are not the loudest birds, as in Winter. Green green leaves, I’m clinging to them, for they do not curl or dry, nor are they singed or colored yet, as they will be at the end of the season, for we’ve had so many rains lately. It should be a lovely Autumn. The tall grasses wave on the other side of the front fence and the wild black eyed susans cheer where the bunnies and pretend wild domestic cats are allowed to disappear on their foraging.

I am so blessed to live here.

I did post on Facebook and on Twitter but not here:

Peace is a state of mind … 🙂 … Namaste.

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