Fragments 5 Finitti and 6 Begun …

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It’s been since March since I blogged … hopefully you all will forgive my silence. I’m sure you will. Alas. I haven’t painted since May, but I did finish Fragments 5 above. As of yet, several new paintings in the Fragments Series are not up on the website. Not sure why, but I’m happy to be painting again, as of this morning.

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I sketched the shapes above in May, and have been studying what to do with the background since then. I also have been studying Georgia O’Keeffe, and a book of tribal art with clays and items from Nature for decorating the body.

Color and shapes will come. In particular, I’ve attached to an oil painting by O’Keeffe with the subject of the rings that trees make as they grow. I’ve always been fascinated by those. I did attempt to sketch some behind this group of shapes, but declined. Instead, I decided to paint this first few layers of Mars Black (with a bit of Acrylic Glazing Liquid for fluidity). After I get these layers down, I’ll try to sketch with chalk or something. We shall see.

The color of the group of shapes will ultimately be a glowing lime of my own mixing. However, these can be very sheer in practice, and disappointing. So my thought is to play with a few blue under layers first, like ? Cobalt Blue, or a mix of one. Then build up from there. I will test on paper or something first.

The shapes are … mysterious even to me. I must admit. I drew them from my subconscious, meaning, they were a response to a study over a few days, in answer to the question of … roughly … what does my core look like? what survived from birth through all the abuse growing up? It’s not a straight line, but it is like a spine of sorts, able to take … trauma.

… I’ve recently decided that life is somewhat of an obstacle course. You?

So maybe that explains a bit of the mysterious nature of the way the vertebrae of my symbolic core turned out. You know the way rocks are shaped by the water as they go down the river. So, but differently. Also, the beaten dog learns to bite. A bit of that goes a long way, so there is a point. Above all, to me though, that there are crescent pieces, comforts me, that there is roundness, makes me happy. There is strength in the thickness that remains. I’m not worn to a crisp. I also seem to be able to rock, like a rocker, to balance out, with the changes. There are inherent circles, cycles, transitions, growth, evolutions, and transformations that come about from the core.

To me, on explication, it is a powerful set of shapes.

Now, why black for the background? First of all, that represents my subconscious, the place I go when I sleep.

It is also the place where all the alters/identities go when they are not up. This to me is somehow, not literally, but symbolically, where all the memories, flashbacks, etc. live. In the dark, waiting to come up on their own for whatever reason, as they do. Or to be triggered, which is very frequent.

Thirdly, and what comes to mind FIRST of all, but for some reason I’ve waited to tell you LAST, black symbolizes my major depressive disorder, or the depression that comes. It just comes. I don’t expect or not expect it anymore; when it comes, just like any other alter, I say hello, and I’m sorry you feel that way. Whereas with the alters, it is a tiny bit different actually; I say hello, I’m sorry that happened to you, depending on what they bring me.

So out of this darkness the core vertebrae is able to … float. Observe. Be. To some extent. Survive to a great extent. I would say function, or be a host, but that is not its … thing. It is more integral to existence and being and light … spirit … essential values and self … than that. Perhaps it is my soul.

If that is the case I’m reminded of a few things. As a Buddhist, the need for boundaries, but not liking the sharpness. I love nonviolence, but I agree with a strong defense against evil in the world. I may not be able to provide that defense, personally, but I am aware of the need for strong boundaries. Personally, I cannot predict what my triggers will do in a situation. I can only do my best to survive going forward.

Secondly, I remember Le Petit Prince, or The Little Prince. The dear rose with her thorns. Poor thing, right? But I do understand the need for thorns. That is somewhat of a wee joke. And kind of sad, at the same time. I understand.

There is already a lot happening in the painting, which excites me, after so many months of not painting, and serious study.

Now, I will say that I have also been seriously writing on my Rebekah’s Closet screenplay? It has been an incredibly emotional process. It is an art therapy project of the deepest kind.

I’m so glad to be back into painting again, and in a place with the screenplay where I can balance writing with visual art once more. I need the tangible stimulation of the painting, as well as the instant (or almost instant, heh, about as fast as I can paint?) gratification of seeing the artwork coming into being.

But I also need the … ? … so many levels are stimulated by the art therapy of writing the screenplay. I have no idea what to say to describe the challenge of being a writer again. Or for the first time? I’m beginning to feel like I’m becoming a writer … now. Because I’m allowing myself to be one now.

πŸ™‚

 

 

 

 

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March Update

Is it Spring or is it not? Who can really say one way or the other? with waves of warmer temperatures in blocks of four or five days? Who even knows what to wear? Ha. Not me. Layers and scarves I guess and colors are anything goes for the first time ever as the designers have blown out the flowers and traditional color palettes for Fall and Spring. For example, rust in Spring and pale pink in Fall. Butterflies in the Fall and neon brights in Spring — it’s insane. Well, isn’t it?
Not really. The world that is. I believe we have the ability to right what is wrong with our very actions, voting, writing to Congress and all. Democracy still is in our hearts and hands. The planet is still receptive to transformation and change for the better.
And I’m glad to see and feel Spring in the air and under my feet. I know that when it’s time to plant again that the time will be ripe for the soil beneath us. The Earth is so abundant, it surprises us every time, but it is as old, as old as time itself. πŸ™‚ So I’m looking forward to gardening this year, salad, beans, tomatoes, basil, flowers, etc. It’s a time of year that is so full of promise, you can see it budding around you on the very trees. The tulip trees are in bloom here, and I think I saw a cherry tree as well.
NEW! Foto Print Clothing
I’m thrilled to share with you my first clothing and scarf collection on VIDA!
This collection represents some of my best artwork from over the years and is very authentic to who I am as an artist. I’m really proud today to share this work with you.
I’m really excited to collaborate with VIDA for this collection. VIDA is a new kind of fashion ecommerce company that connects artists like me all over the world with producers to bring our work to life. For every product sold, VIDA hopes to provide the gift of literacy to the makers they work with.

I’ve made a series of industrial foto print tops and cashmere/silk scarves for you to play with …

Thank you,
Amy πŸ™‚
Show
Three of my paintings from the Rage series,
the cover painting for Rebekah’s Closet,
and my Memoir/Novel itself,Β Rebekah’s Closet,
will be featured in:
Finding My Own Voice, Victims’ Rights Art Exhibit 2016
April 1 – 28, 2016
Opening Reception: Friday, April 1, 6-9 pm
Artists & Makers Studios
11810 Parklawn Drive, Suite 210
Rockville, MD 20852
Painting
I have to say that the watercolor I was attempting at last writing, well. Well. I didn’t like how it turned out ultimately so … there you have it. Ahem. Thus and so. However I have started another sketch for another small watercolor based on an Okefenokee foto and it bodes well in sketch mode. We shall see.
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Fragments 3, Acrylic on canvas, 22 x 28 x 1.5 inches, $350
That being said I have been painting in acrylic and finished another Fragments painting, the one above, which did take a lot of study and did teach me a lot as well. Hooray. I blogged about the experience if you want to read more about that.
Since then I’ve begun and almost finished another very thoughtful, deeply moving painting for me, number four in the Fragments series.
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This is how it looked a while back, before I painted in the left and right fields or sections below the arms of the … person in the painting.
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This is the way the painting looks now, in process. I am going for a “Chinese Mountain” and “calligraphy” roughly, effect there on the left. Oh please bear with those who truly know how to paint that way. On the right it is truly about color, transparencies and textures, which you really need to see in person. Really. Neither side is finished to my satisfaction. So, more to come on this.

Writing
The first of the three screenplay comes along, tediously but happily. It needs the Final Draft software, but I’m editing in Word still just so. I am still able to get things done in chunks and bits here and there and that is progress for now. I realize time is of the essence and I need to get this done! agh! so I’m feeling the impetus/energy of Spring upon me and wanting to get this completed soon. There are windows of time and one must act!
Health
I have had a series of colds. Well two, that makes a series that has just been very frustrating. It’s made for a very achey artist and yogini but I’ve done my best to continue at least yoga but walks have been very few. For the time being my left hip is extremely achey with bursitis and arthritis is also going after a right hand finger knuckle making it blue and sensitive. Luckily the weather is changing and more friends want to walk in the nicer climate, so that may resolve the hip issue and overall achies for the remainder of the warmer months. That is the hope. The cold also seems to be on its way out, finally.
Hooray!
Like I said, I am going to be starting lots of mezclun salad seeds in the coming weeks, as well as Romaine and chard, trying to learn how this stuff works. Hee. I’ve been a vegetarian now since November of 2014. It’s great, my bloodwork and everything. So let’s see if I can grow my own food, or some of it. πŸ™‚
Well, happy Spring almost? Easter? March 27, or so I’ve heard …
Please do write me if you get a chance. I’d love to hear from you if you can.
Take care,
Amy πŸ™‚
P.S. I’m on Facebook(https://www.facebook.com/amy.jackson.3152) and Twitter (#amyjacksoncc)
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Fragments 4: Progress

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Fragments 4 Sketch

I thought and studied the blank canvas before me for a very long time before sketching. I then returned to my sketchpad, making a tiny sketch, which became this large one, above.

To me it represents a helpless, tortured figure, tormented by forces on all sides. This represents to me a very old me, but also an inner me, deep down, in what I call The Pit. Many if not most of my alters or personalities “live” down there. One in particular, called Rag Doll, who was unable to do anything more during repetitive abuses, but survive, in shock, in numbness.

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Fragments 4, Pink Special Mix and Raw Umber Layers

The Pink Layer is me as a vulnerable body with feelings, and as the object that I was to the abusers. The Raw Umber is my Spirit and my Spine, that survived and survives, my Strength.

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Fragments 4, Red and Black Layers

The Red layers remind me of someone being hurt, being striped by a whip, by whippings, by something torturous and painful, the actual abuse. The Black layer is Night. Here is is not as ominous as it might seem, for it was a place for me to wonder, and to hide, but it was also a place where so many secrets were kept. Most of the abuse was done to me during daylight, but not all. So night was a safer place for me.

My intention is to paint clouds of black and white and charcoal to the left, and red and rust? to the right. This in in part because during the abuse by one abuser it was so traumatic I would literally pass out to the “right” or the “left”, to my child’s understanding, with the colors of black or red. Now I don’t remember which is which, but I like the unstable element of having the odd colors that way in the painting.

Part of me wanted to keep the painting pink and raw umber, because now I’m so much more calm. But this is a therapeutic process for me. These are healing paintings, descriptive, so I’m going deeper into my psyche for colors and forms.

Thank you for listening.

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Fragments 3: Finitti

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http://www.amyjackson.cc/paintings/fragments3.html

This is the completed painting but I did want to show you all the layers that it took to create this. I’ve been putting on about a layer of paint every other day or, and then letting that layer dry overnight.

Black Layer:

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Β I really added a lot of new dimension to the painting with this layer.

Charcoal Layer:

IMG_0085This softened the black considerably, and to me signifies a depression over the absolute death that almost stifled me a few times in the past. These are like wounds to me. But there is healing as well. They are also like nerves, muscles and synapses, pathways, routines … a journey …

IMG_0089and here is the last red layer I put on before adding the final black details and rust touch-ups here and there, which you see in the final piece.

I can hardly wait to start a new piece, along a similar vein …

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Fragments III: Beginning

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First, yesterday, I sketched in rust and raw umber, mixed, with a medium round brush, from a tiny sketch I’ve had for some time. This reminds me of cells, and roots, simultaneously. That being said, the ultimate image is to be of embers, the various stages and colors of something, in this case, me, burning. Ouch. Oh well.

In order for the integrity of the structure of the bones of those lines to stay intact, I had to be super-patient, which I did not want to do, and let them dry overnight. Blast! Argh. Oh well. But I did, and found other things to do, like work on my screenplay trilogy. Alas, which was a good thing, right? Yes. All in due time.

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This afternoon I began applying layers of a special mix of handmade pinks and glaze, with Β cream. Mmm. Now, I ran out fairly well after two sections, of the initial mix. An old old rule of mine is never to start a painting without a good supply of a certain mix. But in a way I’m glad I didn’t, for I couldn’t have matched the initial mix, and didn’t on the next go around, and the painting is somehow better for the difference. The depth and transparency therein. So there, me with rules and such. Hmm. Any way, I used my smaller fan brush, and made extra special careful sure not to show ANY brush strokes. That being said, I did show some texture here and there, that I did like.

Next, is to let THIS layer dry, and what comes next is a bit of a surprise, even to me. I mean, I have ideas, but I’m not sure which way to go.

I really like this template and can see playing with this idea a lot with different color schemes, as a way to explore the fragments series. Yes. Me likey, a lot. It’s working for me. Mmm. You?

My hip bursitis is really acting up. At night it wakes me up and I have to keep flipping over to get to the other hip, which hurts less, relatively, than the hip I’m laying on, which is screaming out. During the day the left one in particular hurts all the time. Walking in particular. Hmm. My muscle spasms all over, and aches all over, are nuts. I have been back on the muscle relaxants I’ve been prescribed, like one a day, and yoga, lots. Inescapably, to survive, to move. It’s so hard to get out of bed, for those reasons and depression, and for getting over a chest/sinus infection, still. I’m ordering a special “Indian Cough Syrup” from the Vitamin Shoppe online on Wednesday because it has Osha root in it, and is supposed to kill icky virus and bacteria things organically. yay.

Let’s hope that works, eh? Ha. Otherwise I’m headed back to the doctor for another z-pack? Ida know. agh.

I walked down the gravel driveway in the melting snow for a bit of much needed exercise this morning, hoping to help my back and hip and everything else in the old body, right? And to get the mail from the mailbox. What happened but some nice older man pulls up in the driveway across the way, and introduces himself? Gives me three loaves of bread, and two of rolls, saying he delivers for a local bakery and also is our house for sale he’s becoming a realtor in a week? Yes, I say, etc.

Now that is extraordinary timing. I must say. I struggle with my hands and wrists gratefully all the way up the hill. Laughing at my good fortune. Laughing at my aches and pains now.

It was worth the pain, right? The freezer is now full of bread for many weeks to come.

I’ll do some more yoga and stop complaining? And head down the hill in the morning again for today’s mail tomorrow. It’s a good routine, and seems to pay off well, in bread, if not in exercise and inspiration from Nature. Birds abound in the seeming Nature sanctuary here on the farmhouse land.

~~

 

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Okefenokee Watercolor I

waterside55This is a foto of mine from years ago taken in the fall in Okefenokee National Wildlife Refuge. It is in the Waterside collection and is Waterside 55. I’ve come into a small collection of lovely ornate gold and carved wooden frames in a rather smallish size, so I’ve gotten a sheet of Fabriano heavy lb. watercolor paper. I’ve cut it into six squares and begun a series of watercolors. This is the second, the first being pure exercise and given away to my housemate, because she likes it. πŸ™‚

I’ve sketched the foto above in pencil, and have now moved on to a day’s worth of watercolor. See below, but please know this is only the beginning and I hesitate to show it to you for it is childlike, fairylike, compared to the dark creature it must become. Alas.

Many layers are forthcoming …

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Now here I complete forgot that I should paint the background first. Rutro. For now with the tiniest of round brushes and the perfect amount of pigment to water on the brush, I must insert and layer in the background over time. OMG, is right, if you thought that on my behalf. Ha.

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Here I feel much better about where I’m going. Yay. I painted a bit of lime over the dark bank and enjoyed it immensely. This might turn out well after all?

Wish me luck …

 

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Fragments 2 – Weaving Color

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On Sunday I painted with the next to tiniest round brush, in black, then in lime. Perhaps you can see the fine lines and “code”? Also this painting has a lot of detail work that is not unlike the weaving of colors, for the first time, it seems, in my painting. I’m liking this fabric or textile effect very much. It’s not meant to be super perfect but to give that impression, that things are bound together somehow. Also, that there are ripple effects throughout the piece, is a new thing.

I think this one is almost done. I order new canvas tomorrow. A bit at a time. Yes?

πŸ™‚

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