So this is what I created out of my rage after counseling on Thursday. Thursday? What a very long time ago now. I cursed. I cried. I coiled and flashed backed and vented. A blue streak. And then some. It is the first of many in what I am calling my new Rage Series. I have more foam core, you see, just for this purpose of venting my rage. Ahh. Owww. Stay tuned.
I have since then also painted in the palest pink innermost parts of the petals of the current piece and have yet to paint the mountain. I choose not to photograph and show you at this point, lo these many days yet. I am still. Very.
Sigh. I am emotionally paralyzed with old stuff. Yet again this is why I do not work. This stuff comes up out of nowhere and stiffens my willpower to do, anything. Even stuff I like to do. Bah, I say. Bah, indeed.
Also, I didn’t tell you, there was a murder/homicide a week ago Monday, tomorrow, a block over in the lovely neighborhood, picturebook, really where we all live. Dammit. Some horrible man lured some lovely young high school girl to his condo and … killed her and then killed himself.
I had chosen for the first time in a very long time to walk Chipper for long walkies and ran into a friend and fellow dog owner and his Mom, who were getting ready to go see the cherry blossoms in DC. He said that guy across the street is the Dad of a missing person, a young girl. He tracked her car to here and apparently she hooked up with a former military police guy who is our neighbor here and … that’s all we know. Just then the two police cars showed up. We parted ways, Chipper and I crossed the street to the bog and did the rest of our walkies and apparently that is when they found the bodies.
I mean. I mean. I mean I saw that guy before and he had really slanty eyes and buffed out bod and was really squirrelly and stuff but who the eff knew that ?? and … so I have been really eeped out about that for all this time as well … we all have been in a way … so …
Anyway, you can’t let a guy like that ruin your Spring right? But it’s like brakes, DEATH. Bad death.
And I had already had my memories and was working on my stuff already when that had happened.
Okay. So what I remembered in my little world was my babysitter, who was some kind of wood and leather worker, was that as some kind of way of explaining what he was doing to me in the abuse, was, You see this leather strip? Well I’m going to work it into strips of suede over time with my knife. Over time you’ll be soft as suede, don’t you want that?
But I was already soft. I was a little girl. What could he possibly mean?
It’s like a perspective of servitude for women and girls. Apparently I had some kind of identity or confidence or attitude that had to be worn down. Broken.
And now I wonder, remembering how I developed major insecurity issues and a stutter … 20 + personalities … you know the drill … sigh … that were not there before … what would I have developed into had I not been worn down, broken down, ??
I shouldn’t think such things, I suppose. Rage, et al. I shouldn’t think in terms of success and achievement. Although I did succeed and achieve. Not according to my own standards, but at all. At all. That I achieved and survived at all. Yes.
Look at what I’ve done. There, I say. What I’m doing. It’s still not enough. Compared to what I could have been. I know this. I shatter with rage now. Thus begins the rage series. Like I said, stay tuned. I’ll try to stay up and on task. Willing and able and up. Right now I’m barely able to do anything. But thought I’d check in and let ya know. Ya know. Bah. I should be more grateful. Right? I know who I was before and what happened. You see me as I am now and go wtf? You do lots, right? Okay, I’ll grant you. I’m venting. 🙂
I’ll try to do better for you.
Surgery two weeks from tomorrow.
On Friday afternoon my friend extraordinaire Talia took fotos of me to update my portraits for the website and business cards and everything. Not sure when I’ll be able to post, etc. The last ones I took in 2004. Mind you. Age happens. Hee. But we did our best under the cherry blossoms in the Sun and I am most grateful for it.
Yesterday we took Chipper to the vet and comforted him the rest of the day while we both rested.
Today we made it to the Monocacy Aqueduct.
I could just curl up and stay curled up. Trying to resist the urge. Send good thoughts, if you will. 🙂