Petal Steppes II

I was able to get good rest and get out of bed at seven, so that’s all good. Somewhat dissociated, surreal today. A beautiful, crisp day. No where to go, so just waiting, on hold, kind of, until tomorrow’s doctor appointment.

There is a single lemon-lime colored leaf still holding on to the Tulip tree outside my otherwise bare-branched tree view window. Hold on, I say. As long as you can.

I’m for some reason very aware of the trains when they whistle through town lately. Such a triumphant, yet lonesome sound, reminiscent … when I was in college for two of the years, sophomore and senior, I lived in a dorm that was right next to the tracks and I loved it, the trains going by all the time, rustling my sleep, my studies. Just loved it. There is/was a place called The Freight Room where we would go listen to Bluegrass sometimes but more frequently go sip Irish coffee or even rarely during hard times the Jack Daniels. Sometimes the toy train would be working in the bar itself. That was a good night, when that was working. When there was a lunar eclipse we went there and got trashed at noon or something, studies and classes be damned. Glad we did.

Have had more complete memories now and am kind of in a disgusted shock about them, and wrote in my journal. Merry Christmas, Namelesses. My counselor said at some point I need to scream somewhere it is safe to let it out. She asked if I’d ever screamed in a field, and I said I would be scared to frighten the animals. She said they’d be okay. I know a man who frequently screamed at cows, and they would moo back sympathetically. Later when he had moved he still needed a place to scream and was sorely lacking.

Today I’ve been extremely quiet in everything I’ve done, most delicate, to an extreme. It’s a gift I give myself. I don’t know about this screaming stuff. Sometimes I can scream inside my head and it is most cathartic. Singing, writing, painting, also cathartic. But my counselor said those all have an element of control and I need to get the steam out. We will have to work on this concept. Heh. Rowrh!

I’m very very close to formatting Rebekah’s Closet. I can’t think of another editing/writing/tweaking thing to do. I’m sure as I’m formatting I will think of things, but for now I think she’s DONE. Such a good and raw feeling. I want to get her out there to the world, to you all. I want her to be alive in other people’s imaginations, to be a movie. (!) To LIVE!

Now to paint.

 

About amyjacksoncc

I am a professional artist, writer and musician creating from my home studio. To view my artwork, visit http://www.amyjackson.cc
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